I got upset recently when Perez Hilton posted a doctored photo of you, where you looked something like a giant wedding cake spewing frosting (orâ€¦ not frosting) out of your mouth. Donâ€™t get me wrong, I love Perez, but I thought he went too far in making fun of your appearance. â€œNobody better disrespect Aretha Franklin,â€ I muttered at my computer. â€œSheâ€™s a living legend.â€ Then I saw this NSFW photo on Crunk & Disorderly. Oh Aretha. You know better than that! As a fan I beg you, please donâ€™t do this to yourself.
I know youâ€™ve been letting your chain hang low (so to speak) for years now. But someone of your musical and historical stature shouldnâ€™t let it all spill out like that. Youâ€™re giving Toni Braxton visions for the future. Frankly, Ms. Franklin, you need a good bra, and a long, hard look in the mirror.
I let it slide when you came out rocking the two toned hairdo, looking like Remy Maâ€™s big mama.
I didnâ€™t get stressed when you performed (and appeared to be bubbling out of) this merengue corset. But the sight of your cleavage sent me over the line today. Aretha, this is an intervention. Let me help you preserve your sexy.
We need to go to the mall right away. Weâ€™ll do the early morning mallwalking program, and then head over to Lane Bryant. Weâ€™ll get you some good, form-fitting foundation garments and flattering tops. Next weâ€™re going to Sally Beauty Supply. See, I want to get you some deep conditioning treatments for your transition.
Come with me, Aretha, and weâ€™ll take it back to the old school.
Remember this? You looked so breezy and pretty. It can be like this again. All you need is the right dress, the right hair and makeup, and a reminder of who you are. Youâ€™re Aretha, a musical icon for the ages. Long after all of these little R&B wannabes have come and gone, your legacy will remain. So letâ€™s put the mile-long cleavage away and face the world like one of your biggest hits suggests. Like a Natural Woman.
Big love and maximum respect,