Today I’m writing an Ask Afrobella with a difference.

I got this comment from a very sweet reader, Stacy, in response to my Jill Scott post. Most specifically, Stacy listened to The Thickness and was moved enough to write.

Oh God “The Thickness” brought tears to my eyes because it’s just so true how people view women especially women who are not considered what society considers a woman to look like. Jill Scott is the truth, I love your blog because you speak the truth. This is the first time I’ve heard this song, I always ask my mom why is it so hard for guys to reach out i’m always smiling so I don’t see why they wouldn’t reach out you know and she says your time will come you will find someone who will love you for who for who you are baby just be patient.

Stacy, your mom is right – your time will come! I’m speaking to you as a big girl myself. I have been struggling with my weight all my life. I know how it feels to not be considered beautiful. People can be mean, and competing for male attention can be soul-crushing. But let me float a theory here. Ladies and gents, feel free to chime in.

Stacy, save your smiles. Don’t waste them on these knuckleheads. I don’t know these guys you’re smiling at and wanting to reach out, but my theory is this – they are not worth your time, your smiles, your effort. If they can’t look at you and see how special and beautiful you are, then just keep it moving. Mr. Right is out there, but he probably isn’t kicking it with these dudes you’ve been making eyes at.

I think too often, women measure their attractiveness by male reaction. You don’t need a man to look at you or whistle at you; you have to look at your reflection and believe in yourself. When you feel attractive within yourself, and you strut by with your head held high, maybe those boys will realize what they missed out on. Maybe not. Either way, they aren’t worth your time if they can’t even be cool enough to return a warm and friendly smile.

I spent years flirting with a “type.” I always wanted a certain kind of guy to holla at me. I always found a specific type of guy attractive. That kind of myopia was detrimental to my self-esteem, and consequently I wound up wasting my time and emotions on dudes who could hardly hold a conversation. There came a point where I realized – wait a minute – these guys are losers if they can’t love me for me. If they’re not interested in getting to know me for who I am, and they’re only interested in what’s under my skirt; or if they don’t want to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. And it was right around that time that I found my soul mate.

My best friend, the guy who I always complained to about other guys, who I could talk to for hours without getting sick of him. The guy who cared about me from the inside out. The funny thing is- he doesn’t fit into my physical “type” at all. I realized that I was just as stupidly close-minded as those guys I always threw myself at. I was gazing longingly at rhinestones and ignoring the diamond right under my nose.

I never bothered to read that book, He’s Just Not That Into You. The title alone annoyed me. We women spend so much time worrying – why hasn’t he called me yet? Why hasn’t he asked me out? Why won’t they look at me? I can’t speak for the male mind, and I can only speak from my own experience. I honestly think a good 75% of the problem is that we’re barking up the wrong tree. Trying to get with guys who honestly aren’t that special, and inflating their egos instead of nourishing our own. So what if he isn’t that into you? He probably doesn’t deserve you.

When that insipid, treacly Destiny’s Child song “Cater 2 U” became a big hit, I was all kinds of pissed off. At first I assumed that it was written by a man – but no, Beyonce, Kelly, and Michelle all collaborated with men to create the ultimate male fantasy. A woman with no other desire than to kowtow to a man, singing utter tripe like “my life would be purposeless without you.” Maybe that’s why Beyonce’s singing “Irreplaceable” now (Love that song, by the way).

Instead of that song, I offer this one: Shanice’s “Every Woman Dreams.” While I can’t get behind all of the lyrics (why do R&B songs always equate love with material things? Why is it always about diamonds, Escalades, and Gucci shoes?) the essential message is what I’ve been trying to say.

Stacy, you deserve the best. Don’t you settle for less.

And that’s my two cents.

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