I’m a big believer in the power of intent, and I sincerely believe in making New Year’s resolutions every year. It’s something I’ve been doing for years now, and as I’ve grown older my list of resolutions has become shorter and more realistic. Instead of making a list of ten resolutions with vague instructions like “lose weight” or “write a book,” I’ve whittled it down to five goals that come with concrete ways to achieve them. I also used to publicly declare my resolutions to friends and family. Not anymore. Now I prefer to keep them to myself until I’ve come close to realizing my resolutions.

Oh, Calvin.

I know quite a few people who decry the practice of making New Year’s resolutions. “Why January 1? If you really want to change, do it any other day of the year!” “New Year’s resolutions are stupid. Nobody ever keeps them. The practice is ultimately meaningless.”

I’ve heard it all. But still, I believe. I believe in resolving to be a better person, whether it’s on the first of the year, or your birthday, or the Fourth of July. I believe in setting goals, creating realistic and achievable benchmarks, and the satisfaction that comes in saying “I did that,” when you’ve earned the right to do so. January 1st is the beginning of our calendar year so I think a sense of new beginnings is only to be expected.

This year I’ve made resolutions for my body, my mind, and my spirit. I’ve started working on a vision book (inspired by this Necole Bitchie post), and it’s immensely inspiring to take the time to sit quietly and map out the hopes and dreams I plan to fulfill in the next 12 months. I’ve got some exciting travel plans around the corner and this year is already moving fast. The beginning of the year is a great time to get organized, learn from the mistakes you made and regrets you have from the last year, and to strategize new ways to make your dreams a reality. I’m all about it. Are you?

PS: I recently had a conversation with a family friend who was feeling down about her accomplishments and unsure about the next steps to take in her life. She was stuck in a mental rut of looking down on her own achievements, and feeling competitive. It happens in schools, it happens in the workplace, it happens amongst housewives vying to have the perfect lawn. We beat ourselves up, instead of celebrating our own victories. I quoted Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata to her and much to my surprise, she had never heard of it! Bellas, if you haven’t read this poem before, I encourage you to take the time to read it. It speaks such essential truth about the way you can live a happy life, and wasn’t written by a prophet or mystic — just a writer and attorney from Terre Haute, Indiana.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

— Max Ehrmann, 1927

Happy New Year, everyone!!!

Photo via NYTimes.com

[Photo originally from Holiday Shopping, at a More Subdued Pace]

Guys, I want you to know that present shopping isn’t THAT bad. Or at least, it doesn’t have to be. Allow me to suggest 5 tips to help you get your holiday shopping done to perfection, now that Christmas is 11 days away.

Tip #1 — PLEASE don’t just roll into a store talkin’ ’bout “I’m gonna buy a present,” and then stand there looking all around not knowing where to go. You gotta have SOME KIND of game plan.Before you head out to buy the present, have at least a basic concept of what your wife/girlfriend/it’s complicated or even mother/sister/daughter are into. Don’t walk into the mall without a clue. An “I’ll know it when I see it” outlook to holiday shopping will just prolong the experience.

Tip #2 – But WHAT TO BUY? Clothes can be tough to choose because there are so many brands and sizes to consider, and it sucks to buy someone a present in the wrong size. My advice – stay away from clothing items until you’ve been asked for a specific item! Here’s an idea if you feel truly clueless. When they’re not around, right before you go shopping, look at their stuff. (Please note I didn’t say GO THROUGH their stuff. Just LOOK at it). Do they have a lot of makeup, or just a little? what’s the most dominant color in their closet? What’s the color they wear the most often (that isn’t like, their uniform for work or something). Do they seem to have a big collection of highly fragranced bath items? Have some kind of idea of what you’ll be looking for when you head out into shopping madness.

Tip #3 — Don’t be afraid to ASK someone what they want for Christmas. Your loved one probably has an idea of what they would like to see under the tree, or a thing they’ve been planning to buy themselves. Yes, it’s romantic to buy someone a total surprise gift, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with being upfront and telling someone, “hey, I want to buy you an amazing present but have no idea what to get you! Is there anything you’d really love, or planned to get yourself?” I guarantee you that’s a good way to get some kind of answer. Worst comes to worst, check to see if they have an Amazon wish list. When in doubt, remember that most women love a glorious gift set, or even better, a set that comes with a gift with purchase. You know how every perfume display has a little purse next to it during the holidays? Those! We LOVE those!

Tip #4 — Now, you’re at the store! You’ve got a general idea of what your lady wants. Do you ask for help, or go it alone? Most men would rather go it alone and find the item themselves. BUT this is what greeters and store associates and sales clerks are for. THIS is why retail stores hire extra staff around the holidays. Don’t be afraid to ask a store employee, “hey where are the body wash gift sets?” “Where’s the perfume?” “Do you know where I could find some jewelry with ***insert birthstone here***?” They are being paid to help, and often they’re earning commission on these sales. Help them earn their paycheck. It’s not giving up on your ability to find stuff. It’s delegating authority for effective time management!

Tip #5 – Make it easy on yourself. Bought the lady in your life some perfume or a piece of jewelry you’re not 100% sure she’ll love? No need to worry! Throw in a gift card as well — that way if she’s only 75% in love with your gift, she can go get herself something later. And don’t sweat about gift wrapping — buy a pretty gift box and a card, or a fancy gift bag and tissue paper, so you can display the present without fretting with a scissors and wrapping paper. Place your present under the tree with pride. You did it!!

PS: these tips also work for Valentine’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries…any gift giving occasion!

I hope this malecentric PSA helps you get your holiday shopping done.

Did I miss any tips, bellas? What holiday shopping advice would YOU like to give the fellas?

That would be someone who’s passionate about their natural hair, eco-friendly living, or natural product business. If you’re interested in learning how you can turn your passion for natural hair and beauty into a thriving business, listen in to the FREE “So You Want To Be a Naturalpreneur?” Telesummit. It began on August 15th, ends on the 19th. There’s an afternoon and an evening session each day of the telesummit and each session will feature an experienced entrepreneur that is willing to give you advice in various areas of your business. Today, that person is me!

I’ll be featured today in the afternoon session at 2 pm Central/3 EST, talking about being a successful blogger within the natural space, and offering advice to up and coming natural bloggers and businesses alike!

Visit www.naturalpreneurtelesummit.com for more details on how you can listen in!

Hope you listen in later today, and I hope you enjoy the experience bellas!

I stayed up all night writing my first ever blog post, and learning basic HTML so I could include links and videos to my blog. (Back in those days, WordPress wasn’t as intuitive as it is now). Ehren made me a header. We put up my first post on August 14, 2006.

Five years ago, my life changed.

Shout out to YOU if you've been reading since Afrobella looked like this!

I like to take a look back every year, and every year I’m astounded by how much my life has changed since then.

If a magical fairy or being from the future had appeared to me and told me — because of what you’re doing in your off time this week, someday you’ll go to New York Fashion Week, get to go backstage and meet models, celebrities and designers…I would have said stop lying. If someone had told me back then, because of this blog you’ve just created, you’ll be featured in magazines and on websites around the world…I would have said they were tripping. If there was any foreshadowing of the brands I’d collaborate with, trips I’d take, or things I’d get invited to…I wouldn’t have believed. Creating this blog taught me so much about my own abilities, my own power, and the strength of my ideas and my talents. Creating and maintaining and building Afrobella into what it’s grown into today, has taught me that hard work truly does pay off. If you put in consistent, quality, heartfelt work, you can make your own dreams come true.

I’m often asked for my best advice or top tips for up and coming bloggers. I guess in retrospect, the best advice I can give anyone is DON’T GIVE UP. Be tenacious. Follow your heart, pursue your vision and work hard to make your dreams come true. You will work harder for yourself than you’ll work for anyone else. And the fruits of your labor will be sweeter and more nutritious than you can possibly imagine.

This week, in honor of five years of Afrobella, there will be some truly amazing giveaways for all of you! Keep reading, keep commenting, and thank you ALL for the support you’ve shown me in the past five years. I love you. And I can still honestly say after all of this time — the best is yet to come!

Photo by Errol Dunlap, makeup by J. St. Jaimes

I was born and raised in Trinidad, migrated to Miami where I attended the University of Miami for my undergrad (film scriptwriting!) and my masters (creative writing. Clearly my mind was not on finding a moneymaking career). I spent a spell working at the coolest bookstore in Miami and then I worked in the calendar section (initially as assistant editor and then eventually as editor) at the craziest newspaper in Miami for almost 5 years.

While I was there, I started my blog because I had views to express that didn’t fit into the parameters of my job, and also at the time there were no other blogs really speaking to natural hair and black beauty and plus size fashion. I’m by no means a professional, but I have high standards, strong opinions and I have always been beauty obsessed, since I was a little girl. I couldn’t find a reflection of my beauty in mainstream media. On one wine-fueled whimsical night, one of our best friends suggested I start a blog, my husband suggested the perfect domain name, and the rest as they say, is history.

Afrobella started out as a personal expression intended to fill a void, and that void proved to be so much bigger than I could have dreamed. Seriously. 5 years ago when I wrote my first ever post, I couldn’t have imagined that Afrobella.com would become THIS!

Afrobella is now my full time occupation. I’m a full time blogger and freelancer for a variety of publications — click here and here to learn more about me. I love writing about hair, beauty, makeup, fashion, spa treatments and of course Caribbean culture. I love traveling and travel writing. On Afrobella you can find a mix of articles about hair, beauty, culture, music, travel and more — always intended to be positive and informative, friendly and fun.

I’m married to an amazing man named Steve, we have a cat named Max who’s a handful and a half, and we live in Chicago. I love summer music festivals and street festivals, purple is my favorite color, and I love all kinds of music but classic reggae and calypso are extra close to my heart.

Enough about me, I wanna know more about you! Where are you from? What do you do? How did you discover Afrobella and how long have you been reading my blog? And most importantly, what would you like to see more of on Afrobella.com? Lurkers, come out and say HELLO!

Hi,
Love your work. Your site is so refreshing and insightful. So I’ve been struggling with a skin and scalp condition that has only gotten much worse since I moved to the Midwest about a year and 1/2 ago. Haven’t been able to see a dermatologist about the issue yet so I don’t know for sure what it is, but my layman’s opinion from internet research is that I have plaque psoriasis.

I know you’re busy so thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
Aphro Dynamite

Aphro Dynamite, thanks so much for reading and for writing me with this question! So often we might think we have a medical issue, and remain inactive about dealing with it because of finances, lack of insurance, fear, or D – all of the above. Please know, I’m right there with you. Been there, done that. Often we find ways to “deal with the problem” without truly DEALING with the problem. So to you I say congrats! By writing me, you’ve started the ball rolling on truly DEALING with the problem. That’s step one.

Step two is picking up the phone and making an appointment to see a professional who can accurately diagnose and help you deal with your scalp issues. A hairdresser who knows how to deal with psoriasis is just the beginning. A dermatologist is a must.

But on a question of this nature, I can only give you so much advice. So I turned to a professional I admire greatly – Camille E. Reed, owner of Noire Salon in Baltimore. Camille is an evangelist for natural hair, an expert in her field, and a truly knowledgable and professional resource who knows her stuff.

Take it away, Camille!

“Having psoriasis is stressful and your anxiety about going to a salon is completely valid. Get two kinds of doctors on your and your son’s team, a Dermatologist and an Immunologist.

Your skin is the largest organ on your body and the biggest reflection of the efficiency of your endocrine system. Psoriasis has triggers such as stress (compromises the immune system), diet (alcohol consumption & cigarette smoking bother the liver and the skin’s filtering abilities). Injury to the skin is also a major trigger, and in your case…is likely to have been the starting point of your psoriasis battle.

There is also a genetic susceptibility, so its also very likely that your son’s condition is mimicking yours.

Coal Tar shampoos are the most effective over-the-counter treatment until you can see the aforementioned doctors. Please get them involved in your care, as the skin disturbances from psoriasis can become infected and lead to further complications.

Shop for an educated hair stylist who is familiar with skin conditions and sensitivities, who will also follow the doctors instructions on product usage during your hair appointments.

The best of luck to you and please keep me informed of your progress.”

If you’re ever in Baltimore, you can go see Camille at Noire Salon yourself. If you’re not, you can follow her on Twitter @Noireboss1 – she’s always tweeting wisdom and natural hair inspiration.

Hope that helps, Aphro Dynamite – all the best and please keep in touch!

Sometimes when I get your Ask Afrobella questions it sparks a bit of an internal dilemma. I’m not really an expert-expert…can I really come up with an answer for this person’s question? Am I truly being as helpful as I could be? Well THIS Ask Afrobella is different on a few levels.

#1 – it’s from a guy! Shoutout to the afrofellas! Afrobellos! Whatever you prefer

#2 – I can only answer from my own opinion and experience, so for a REAL answer I turned to an expert in the field. If you’ve dealt with tangles and knots and little balls of hair, read on!

Hi,
I’m Shaquille, I’m an 18 year old Graphic Design student from Mississippi and I have a natural, EXTREMELY thick & curly fro.

I recently cut it all off due to so much damage. I am growing it back as soon as I found out more information about keeping my hair healthier. Anyway, my split ends traveled close to my roots and the knots…..don’t even get me started on knots. I would pull out these little hair balls and it wasn’t from not combing my hair. I would take a shower the night before and within that morning, there would be knots would be there. I’ve tried so many things that I could afford to put in my hair to try and keep it loose but still curly but nothing worked.

I’m a guy and i don’t know much about hair and I’ve asked many of my family members and they all keep telling me the same thing: Relaxers. But, I thought that would defeat the purpose of going natural, and i don’t want to walk around looking silly, haha. So PLEASE, Ms. Afrobella, I need your advice. What can I do to keep my hair healthy and not struggle with trying to combing knots out every morning while still keeping my curls?

Shaquille, two things off the bat.

#1 – I LOVE your hair. Please don’t turn to relaxer. Unless in your heart that’s what you want to do, in which case, do you. But if you truly want to keep your coils (and you should!) just love them and be patient. We’ll do our best here to help you!

#2 – I LOVE that you wrote to ask me this question and I bet many many MANY people reading this will more than identify with you. I get those little hair balls too! For me they usually happen when I haven’t detangled my hair in a while, or if I’ve done haphazard or careless detangling.

One question occurred to me while reading your letter. How exactly are you detangling? My advice is, slather your hair with conditioner – I love a thick, buttery conditioner especially for weekly use. It also helps me if my hair is quite damp. Then use a wide toothed comb and gently comb from the tip of your hair up to the root. I sometimes hold my hair while combing so I don’t pull too hard on the roots while I detangle. This is the ONLY way I detangle my hair, it’s the only way that legitimately works on my hair without too much pulling or struggle.

In terms of product, once you’ve detangled your hair try to use a product that’s moisturizing but will help to maintain your curl pattern. Everyone’s hair likes something different, but for very coarse hair I’d recommend products with a shea butter base. Also, how often do you detangle? I need to do it at least once a week, preferably twice if I want my hair to not be matted. For a really thick texture like what you describe, you may need to detangle even more often. And after you detangle – let’s say you detangled at night like you mentioned. Don’t just go to bed on a regular pillowcase without your hair taken care of! I sleep with a sleep stocking and on a satin pillowcase so my detangling efforts don’t go to waste. Make sure you’re sleeping on a silk or satin pillowcase, it can help with that overnight matting.

I hope that helps somewhat, Shaquille! But to give an even more precise and helpful answer I turned to an expert.

Alecia Tucker-Perkins is known on Twitter as @AfrosNBabyHair. She’s a professional hairstylist who lives and works in Chicago, and is making a major name for herself as a natural hair expert. I shared Shaquille’s question with her and she gave an excellent and detailed answer. Take it away Alecia!

Hey there Shaquille!

Sounds to me like you have one bad case of single strand knots and potentially split ends.

Remember these key points:

1. Single strand knots and split ends are two different conditions.

2. Naturally curly hair is prone to dryness. Due to the coil of the strand, lubrication has to fight to coat the coils.

3. Improper detangling, rough handling of the hair, and dehydration equal a recipe for disaster.

4. “Trichonodosis” is the knotting of the hair strand due to excessive stress, friction, or pulling.

5. “Trichoptilosis is the technical term for “split ends”

* Keep in mind, both conditions can exist on the same head of hair.

Dr. Baby Hair’s Orders:

When detangling the hair, work from ends up to the scalp. This works best on hair lubricated with oil or conditioner as a pre-treatment. Removing shed hairs will keep you from finding loose knot balls of hair later on.

I recommend a full detangle every shampoo. If that’s weekly you could potentially have hundreds of shed hairs lost in your hair jungle. Fully detangling on the day you shampoo will allow you to save your curls the stress of daily combing.

Handle your hair with care to reduce damage due to over manipulation. Minimize the amount of friction on your hair by blotting your hair with a towel as opposed to wringing or rubbing. Keep your hair deep conditioned regularly. Water based moisturizers daily (or as needed) will combat dryness between shampoos.

If you have split ends already, go ahead and get them trimmed. Damaged ends aren’t worth the trouble of keeping, especially when frayed. A clean slate, followed with a solid weekly maintenance schedule will result in well preserved ends. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

For more Natural Hair Chat you can follow me on Twitter @AfrosNBabyHair

And if you are in Chicago and without a hair care home visit styleseat.com/afrosnbabyhair for booking info.

Thanks Alecia!

Shaquille, I hope we were able to help you out and give you the information you need. One of the beautiful things with natural hair is the sharing of information you can find online – via Twitter or on blogs or on YouTube, there’s bound to be someone who can help! I am happy you came to me and I hope this was what you needed.

Bellas, if you have any advice for Shaquille, or want to share your detangling issues and tips, please do! The more information, the better!

Just within the past few weeks, I’ve gotten several messages from new naturals who are seeking guidance and advice. Please allow me to be your guide and answer some of your questions! Welcome to Team Natural!

Question #1 comes from my friend Scott Hanselman, via Twitter.

Just so you know, Scott was one of the most informative speakers at the last Blogging While Brown, and his presentation How To Make Your Blog Suck Less continues to inspire me! Scott’s question reminded me that I completely forgot to share one of my 2010 accomplishments with you on the blog! Last year I wrote an article on transitioning for Essence Magazine’s special Hot Hair Issue, and I interviewed some of the best hairstylists in the natural hair biz. The issues is no longer on news stands, so I scanned it for you. Click here to open the PDF and read Essence Hot Hair Natural Hair Transitioning Tips by Afrobella!

The Essence piece offers quite a bit of information for newly natural bellas who want to try to maintain length as they transition. But if you make the decision to just go for it and do the big chop, you’re dealing with new growth right away and that brings different challenges to your transition to natural hair. You won’t have to deal with figuring out two different textures of hair, instead you gotta figure out how to work your new, short look, and what products your natural hair will need.

Now’s a good time to offer my traditional disclaimer – I AM NOT A HAIRDRESSER. All I can do is speak on what I’ve seen and what I know. So from my experience, here are the steps I’d recommend for a brand new natural bella, to maintain her hair after doing the Big Chop.

1 – Learn how to keep it clean.

Maybe when you relaxed your hair, you adhered to hair myths that don’t apply to curly or afro-textured hair. Adages like shampoo two-to-three times a week, and brush your hair 100 times a day. That kind of behavior will most likely make your natural hair dry, frizzy and quite unhappy. I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it again – treat your hair like you would a fine silk kimono, or your grandmother’s antique wedding dress. Recognize that it needs a gentle touch and deserves special TLC. You’ll discover that you need to shampoo once a week at most – sometimes I go 10 to 12 days without shampoo. You’ll discover that generic drugstore shampoos may not cut it for your hair – I recommend you check out a cleansing cream. I like Devacurl No-Poo and Curls Cleansing Cream – you can browse and buy a great selection of shampoos and no-poos at Curlmart. If you’ve been using heavy hair products laden with bad-for-you ingredients like mineral oil and petrolatum, you have scalp buildup and your hair looks dull and lifeless, try a clarifying shampoo (I like Hair Rules Aloe Grapefruit purifying shampoo ) once a month.

2 – Learn to conditioner wash, and give your hair regular deep conditioning treatments.

Natural hair is so often derided as being “coarse” but you might be really surprised – your hair’s texture can also be fragile, dry, delicate, and softer than you may assume. Most naturals adhere to a no poo regimen, and instead do regular conditioner washes. If you plan on wearing your hair in a loose, detangled style, conditioner is your BFF. Motown Girl explains it all better than I can, so please click here and read this for more info!

3 – Figure out what products your hair will respond to.

This is where the term “product junkie” starts coming up. First things first, don’t get overwhelmed. I broke it all down on Vogue Black – typical natural afro-textured hair styling products can be divided into four basic categories. You got your oils, you got your creams, you got your gels and you got your butters. Your hair may respond to one category of products more during one season versus another – in general, my hair loves gels, oils and light creams in the summer, and cries out for butters, heavy oils and dense creams in the winter. If you want to start experimenting with all natural products right away, go to your nearest Whole Foods and start with some raw shea butter, castor oil, aloe vera gel and virgin coconut oil. For a wider variety of products specifically targeted to our hair styling needs, check out Black Girl With Long Hair’s Marketplace, which is a new, great resource for naturalistas looking for products made for our tresses!

4 – Be strong. Also, be bold with your style.

OK, let’s be real. Not everyone’s transition to natural hair is an experience sprinkled with fairy dust. You might be facing resistance from your family and friends, guys you know may feel the need to say outrageously offensive things to you, people in general can be ignorant. All of these things have happened to me. And if you’re sensitive like me, all of that judgment can color your self esteem. In a culture where long hair is celebrated as the gold standard of beauty, people really will try to make you feel some kinda way when you chop all your hair off. So my advice is, hold your head high and BE CONFIDENT in your beauty. For me, when my hair was at its shortest, I found confidence boosts in makeup and hair accessories. When your hair’s short and sassy, you can show off a bold hairclip like nobody else can. A stunning hair flower or feathered headband won’t get lost in a mass of coils. So rock those big earrings, work a bangin’ headband, wear bold eye makeup, go forth and be FIERCE. (A little Grace Jones always helps in this department!)

5 – Figure out if you want to let your fro grow, or keep it cropped.

Now that you’ve cut your hair off, the choice is yours! Many women feel that it’s just easier to keep it super short, and keep their hair trimmed in a TWA. Some women grow it out and wear it loose and large like I do. You can rock twists or cornrows or a frohawk or roller set styles. You could decide that a loose natural isn’t for you, and start to loc your hair. And you know what? I know many many natural women who also reserve the right to rock a wig when they choose to, or blow their hair straight if they feel like it. It’s entirely your perogative. To me, natural hair is freedom. You now know the truest texture of your hair, and now you can do with it what you will. A big chop gives you a blank canvas to start fresh, and know what you’re working with. I say enjoy the journey every step of the way, and learn to love your natural hair!

6 – Familiarize yourself with the natural hair community and know that there is support to be found online.

I meet so many natural haired women who are older, who tell me that they admire the courage of the younger generation, and nobody had the information on going natural back in their day. So I really gotta say – without the internet, I don’t think natural hair would have the popularity it has today. We are changing the game. With every blog, Fokti, YouTube video and forum, women around the world are spreading information, reviewing products, sharing photos, and inspiring each other to embrace their natural beauty and learn to love their hair texture as it grows. So if you’re lacking in support in your everyday life, familiarize yourself with the natural hair community online and draw strength and inspiration from there. Join Twitter and use the hashtag #naturalhair to introduce yourself. Look on Facebook for natural hair groups. Read natural hair sites. Check out Tumblr blogs for photographic inspiration. Get on YouTube and you’ll find a video addressing every natural hair concern you can dream of. If you ever have a moment of doubt or uncertainity, know that there’s someone online with the information you need. Things are WAY better now than they used to be, in that regard. Know that you are not alone!

If you need more inspiration, check out my post titled What’s Your Best Natural Hair Advice. There’s lots of gathered wisdom and insight in there.

I hope I answered most of your new natural hair questions here, and if I didn’t, I have a friend who can!

This Sunday, celebrity stylist and natural hair specialist Felicia Leatherwood – creator of the Loving Your Hair With Natural Care Workshop, will lead a webinar on what to do with your hair after you’ve done the Big Chop. “I’m really excited about talking to the women about their Big Chop choice and what the best products are for them to use also how many ways to style a Big Chop! All of this and more will be addressed this Sunday 9 am PST, 11 am CST, 12 pm EST – The Live Stream is $25 and the women can ask any question they may have about their hair!” she says.

Click here to register!

Welcome to the wonderful world of natural hair!

Bellas – if you’ve been natural for a while, what’s your best advice for someone just starting out?

Thanks to Renisha James for letting me use her photo!

I got an e mail from a young reader that inspired me to respond with an Ask Afrobella. Take it away, Megan!

Hey, I’m 16 and I have been wearing my hair natural since the 4th grade and am loving it! I am very happy that you have this blog to give young women like me the inspiration we need to keep going this way. But I have a question for you. . . see I don’t get too much attention from a lot of boys, do you think that they’re intimidated by my natural hair? But regardless, I will still rock my kinky curls!

Megan

Megan, you are SO far ahead of the game!

I wish I could take you in a time machine back to when I was your age. Back then I wore my hair relaxed and frequently streaked in some bizarre color, and I attended an all girls’ high school. And all I worried about was what other people — especially boys — thought of me. I could have used a friend like you in those days!

Back to your question: Are boys intimidated by your natural hair? It’s possible, but that depends on a variety of factors. In my experience, teenage boys aren’t exactly conditioned to think outside of the box. Back in my day, “the box” mostly included girls who were slender yet had feminine curves, were typically light complected, and had a certain texture of hair. The quote-unquote cute boys were checking for them. And because I was none of the above, I was put into Box #2. The friend-only box. And I wanted so very much to be in box number one.

But you know what? Hindsight is an amazing thing. And with hindsight, I’ve realized there was a third box I was oblivious to. Allow me to elaborate.

The third box includes girls who have that je ne sais quoi. That undefinable sparkle. Self possession. Confidence. Doesn’t even matter what they look like – they have it in spades, and it attracts people to them like a magnet. If you truly have it, confidence radiates from your inner being, and gives you an effortless glow. From your statement, “regardless, I will still rock my kinky curls!” I’m thinking you already have it!

Not all boys will find you attractive. This may be because of your hair or it may be because of other things. Doesn’t matter. I’m here to tell you, if a boy is intimidated by you, or doesn’t find you attractive because of your natural hair – he’s a fool. Forget him. I had to realize a long time ago — if a guy doesn’t like you because of your hair or your weight, or the shade of your skin, or the neighborhood you live in, or…name your factor here – you’re better off without him anyway. It’s his loss that he wasn’t able to appreciate your beauty. Trust and believe that someone else will – and keep it moving.

As it turned out for me, the boys I was most attracted to back then turned out to not be worth my time or energy. And now that I look back on photos of some of them now that 15 years have passed, all I can say is… WHAT WAS I THINKING?? Just wait, Megan – you’ll see. Some of the absolute hottest of the hot guys you may be crushing on now will not age so well. You may find yourself in that same position, of realizing that you’re better off without them and that your crush was in fact based on fleeting things. Looks. They really do fade.

Even when you’re in a relationship, you may find that some guys will try to tell you how you should wear your hair. If you express an interest in cutting your hair, or wearing it in a different style for a change, they may come at you with threats or negativity. It’s happened to me. Back in the day, one potential paramour wasn’t feeling my idea of doing a big chop. He referred to my close cropped hairstyle as “The Menopause.” Guess what? I cut him loose. For me, it took time and a relationship where I was 100% sure that my boo cared about me, my heart, my mind, and our future together, before I’d even discuss my hair choices with him. Now if my husband feels some kinda way, I think he’s within his right to express a little concern over my hair – only because he’s earned that right with time and love. However, I always will reserve the right to disagree with him and do what I wanna do anyway.

A natural haired woman’s desirability doubts don’t necessarily stop with high school. I know many women with natural hair who ask the same questions – are men intimidated by my hair? Does my hair make me less attractive to men?

To them I say – check out a site like Black Love Poster. If that doesn’t give you inspiration, I don’t know what will.

Or check out the Facebook groups Black Men Who Support Black Women Going Natural, or White Men Who Love Black Women With Natural Hair if you doubt that natural hair love exists. It’s out there, it’s beautiful and it’s real. Don’t stop believing.

So Megan – as it is right now, you already seem to be aware of your beauty, and blessed with a strong sense of self esteem. You’re in box number three! Not many girls at your age are there yet. Hold your head high, know that you are GORGEOUS and AMAZING. Enjoy high school, because it’ll be over in the blink of an eye. And please know that the right boy will man up eventually, and he’ll love you with your kinky curls just the way you wanna rock em!

That’s my two cents on that. Thanks for writing!

Bellas, fellas – any advice for Megan and other girls who may feel like she does?

Mea culpa, and I’m back to answer a question all about raising little kids to LOVE their natural hair.

Today’s question comes from Lucie! And she so kindly sent me a photo of her adorable little boy!!

Hi Bella!

–
Lucie

Hey Lucie!! Please accept my apology for taking SO long to answer your question. And I want to thank you for writing!

Hair issues can be a struggle for any parent, but it’s such a topic of concern within the black community. Please note, I didn’t say African American – this is a WORLDWIDE thing! Parents in the islands do not play when it comes to having their children’s hair neatly combed. The issue can become even more difficult when it comes to being a parent in an interracial family, especially if you don’t share the same hair texture as your kids. Dealing with doubt while being concerned about judgment from others can’t be a good thing for you, or for your little one. It is my absolute pleasure to help you, and I am honored that you reached out in the first place!

I think your approach to your little boy’s hair is healthy and wise – letting him rock a curly fro for now seems to be the thing to do judging from other biracial kids I’ve been seeing here in Chicago. I don’t agree with the way society views unfettered hair, but it is true – little boys get less grief about wearing their hair loose and free, than little girls do. And it’s also true, many of the products on the market now are fragranced and marketed for females.

But there are unscented products, and less-scented products that can totally deliver the goods and keep your little boy bello (that works, right?) looking absolutely adorable! Here are my top picks for your little boy’s needs!

Darcy’s Botanicals. Right now I am SPRUNG on Darcy’s Madagascar Vanilla Styling Creme – $12 a jar, supremely moisturizing, and not very potently scented. This is a mild scent, not a sweet and cloying vanilla. Your little man will have happy coils with this stuff. Although I haven’t tried the organic coconut and aloe moisture pudding, it looks like it may also be perfect for your boy’s beautiful hair.

Boutique de Fleurzty’s Hydrating Hair Butter. This product is made by Fleurzty, whose reputation is well established in the natural hair community. As the founder of Texture Playground, she knows a thing or two about the specific needs of natural hair. Her hair butter is super smooth, melts in your hands, and leaves my hair soft, moisturized, and completely satisfied. The lemon ylang ylang scent is more tangy and fresh than sweet and feminine. I think it’s a great unisex natural hair product.

The Khoret Amen collection by Carol’s Daughter. Now I said this years ago — Khoret Amen is not for me! The scent is definitely unisex IMO – woodsy and herby. If you’re looking for natural hair products for your little guy, this could be a good look!

Those are three products I’ve personally tried that I think could be the answer to your hair styling prayers. There are others I haven’t yet had the opportunity to review — Kinky Curly makes a children’s line called Tiny Twirls that is formulated for children’s hair, that could be just what the doctor ordered. Oyin has scents targeted toward men, so you may want to consider Frank Juice or Greg Juice, or even some burnt sugar pomade for your little guy. I hear it’s excellent for those of us who like to braid our hair! And of course, there’s Mixed Chicks which specializes in curly, coily, multi ethnic, highly textured hair.

I’d say keep his hair at a manageable length, and if you feel unready to wade into the world of styling, find a barbershop that takes pride in taking care of little kids’ hair. This will take some research, but once you find a salon or shop where your little guy can go to get his hair braided or twisted, you can watch at close range and get some at-home styling tips that you can then use in the future!

I hope that helps, Lucie! I won’t be as terrible about answering future Ask Afrobellas, I promise. I’m back on track! If anyone has additional advice for Lucie, please leave a comment for her below.

If you’ve got an Ask Afrobella question, e mail me at bella@afrobella.com. Don’t forget to join my Facebook page here!