A Random Musing On Political Wives Caught In Scandal
bella | Mar 11, 2008 | Comments 66
We’ve seen it so many times recently, the shamed politico addresses a legion of reporters, and flashbulbs pop as he admits to his adulterous crimes. As he steadfastly apologizes into the camera, a figure stands off to the side. Cowed by the lens, the blinding flashbulbs, and millions of judgmental eyes, there stands the wife — there to shield her husband from the glare.
Suzanne Craig donned sunglasses to stand by her man as he denied playing footsie in the men’s room, Dina McGreevey gave a tight smile as she shared the stage with her husband when he came out of the closet before millions (psst, she’s written a book about it all). Wendy Vitter got her hair done and wore a sexy dress to stand by her hooker-loving husband, and Carlita Kilpatrick held her man’s hand and remarked, “it is very difficult for me to talk to you at this moment,” as she stared into the screen. “I am angry, I am hurt, I am disappointed – but there is no question that I love my husband,” then she said “this private matter is between me, my husband, and God.”
I respectfully disagree. I know where Mrs. Kilpatrick is coming from, believe me. I’ve see the grevious wounds infidelity can leave on a relationship at extremely close range. The neighbors whisper. The eyes of the community are on you. Everyone knows your deepest hurt. Your self-esteem shatters into a million fragments. It really is a time for privacy, introspection, and communication between the husband and wife. But, by taking public office and presenting themselves as these ultimate family men, these philandering politicians have put their business on front street. By ignoring their responsibilities to the communities they represent and destroying the sanctity of their marriages, then addressing the onlooking public with their wives by their side; they’ve helped to create an additional public spectacle.
Whenever it happens, I can’t help but stare at the wife’s face. It’s always the picture of internal agony — mouth tight, eyes cast downward and probably shining with unshed tears. I don’t know how they do it. I just know I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Seriously, if that was me and that mofo tried to ask me to stand beside him at a press conference, he better expect a barrage of cusswords. I’d be like, don’t even dare come around to ask me to stand next to you right now. Much less on television. Go to hell, you pathetic bastard.
The AP addresses the phenomenon in this article about Cindy McCain (which seems premature to me… John McCain hasn’t admitted guilt to any infidelity yet, has he? As far as I knew, he’d just been accused of an allegedly questionable relationship. Which is still super sketchy, don’t get me wrong, but he hasn’t exactly been caught with a hand in the whore jar just yet). The AP article turns to Stanley Renshon, a political psychologist at City University of New York, who says few political wives are considered strong women, and admits the reaction “depends on the allegation, and it depends on the spouse.” Hillary Clinton appeared on 60 Minutes in 1992, and declared “I’m not sitting here, some little woman standing by my man,” but that’s basically what she did — she adopted a typically calm appearance, and she stood by him twice as he faced the media firing squad.
Now we’ve got this Eliot Spitzer case, which is just scandalicious. The tough-as-nails former Attorney General and govenor has sent quite a few criminals down the pike in his time. I wonder if any of them were prostitutes, or madams? Will they now be released in light of this federal investigation? He’s being accused of violating the Mann Act, and his finances are coming into question. Looks to me like someone’s due for a long vacation at Club Fed. Meanwhile, his wife Silda gets to wear what the New York Daily News calls the ‘stand by her man’ pantsuit, and show us all her agonized expression as he gazes directly at a sea of reporters and admits his guilt. Spitzer said “I apologize first and most importantly to my family,” without even turning to address his wife standing beside him. I’m sure he spoke at length with his family beforehand. I’m sure they’ve had private shouting matches about it. They’ve been married for 20 years, they’ve got teenage daughters (who, if they’re anything like I was at a teenager, probably aren’t talking to dear ol’ dad much right about now). It’s gotta be so gutwrenching. You stand by somebody’s side and help them build a respectable career for two decades, and then what do you get? Client 9 of an international prostitution ring calling for a special pre-Valentine’s day screw? Eff THAT. He doesn’t deserve her public support, in my opinion.
Most political wives who get caught in these situations say they stand by their men for the kids. On Oprah’s couch, Dina McGreevey explained, “I thought about it, and I thought, well, I’ve stood by his side all these years. We have a daughter together, and one day she’s going to hear about this or read about it, and she’s going to ask me, ‘Mommy, why weren’t you at Daddy’s side?’” she says. “So I was there for my daughter’s father. And I also had nothing to hide. I had done nothing wrong.” That’s true, she didn’t do anything wrong. And in my opinion, that’s exactly why political wives shouldn’t endure that scrutiny, or share the stage at that painful, terrible moment. I’m the kind of daughter who wound wonder the exact opposite — why would you let Daddy make you stand at his side after he was a total jerk to you?
My heart goes out to these women who have had to endure public humiliation by their spouses, and I’m not trying to slam their decision to put on a brave face for their family and political legacies. I’m just saying that just once, I’d like to see one of these guys face the firing squad alone. I’d like to see them sweat and squirm and apologize solo, without a reassuring hand on their knee or sympathetic eyes to turn to. I’d like to see a shamed politician just once admit, “my wife refused to stand by my side today. And she was completely right to do so. I don’t deserve her support right now, because I am pond scum.”
Maybe these incidents get under my skin because I have strong personal feelings about infidelity. What do you think, bellas? And what do you think should happen to Elliott Spitzer?
Filed Under: Issues
The question I ask is what kind of husband would trot out his wife to go through that kind of public humiliation? That’s a man who is making it clear, my career comes above and before everything else. And yes these wives put their husbands political careers above and before their own ambitions and families and everything else, but one would think that somebody who truly loves or at the very least respects his wife, would say, I will not do this to her. I have done enough to humiliate, embarrass and destroy her, I will not go any further. And even if the wife says “no honey I am there for you. I will stand by your side”, a husband, a good man, a man who ultimately cares and is truly sorry will turn to her and say “no, I will not add to your troubles, this I will do on my own.”
But hey, good men, good husbands don’t get involved with high priced hoes now do they?
You gotta remember…as she stands there beside him, she looks that much better when the divorce proceedings start. She’s really smart and has made a name for herself even outside of her ho-lovin’ husband. Either way, BEST BELIEVE she’s gonna get paid. She may also decide to delay official divorce proceedings for a few months so it’s not quite the splash it would be today if she went ahead and filed. She has her 3 kids to consider in regards to timing her divorce.
damn, it’s always tha ones preachin’ family values that get caught up in tha scandals! they should throw tha book at Spitzer, he should go down and be put in the cell right next to the people he put away! transporting prostitutes across state lines, gimme a break! But, sorry to tell u, i just heard, he will not see one day in jail. They cut a deal with him and he is still part of the good ole boys club. So there u have it, martha goes to jail(which was deserved) for insider trading. And this fool Spitzer who spends taxpayer money on hoes(who probably will go to jail) gets off scott free. no wonder this country is goin’ to hell in a handbasket!
hey, i causually see the woman who realateed to Spitzer on a free dating site named intimatemingle.com i can’t upload the pics now, or you wil be surprised.
I know it’s complicated because she’s been married, has kids by him and all that, but I don’t get it. Or at least, stand up there and point to the black eyes and broken kneecaps he has thanks to your cousins, brothers and daddy.
I wonder if she actually knew and had come to terms with it as long as it didn’t become public. Who knows what deals people make in their marriages.
Every time, a sex scandal like this breaks out, I always watch the wife’s face also in the press conferences. These are some strong women to endure what they do. But I also feel sorry for the kids, because not only are they embarrassed about the situation, but now their lives are going to vastly change. They will have to move out of the governor’s or the elected official’s home, be knocked down out of their social circles where so-called friends will ridicule the whole family for what one person did, possibly have to change schools, and will always have to watch their fathers with untrustful eyes. This is just a hot mess that could have been prevented altogether. Just a mess.
I find myself wondering if the shoe was on the other foot would these husbands stand there and take that with their wives? That would be verty interesting to see. It is hard enough dealing with something like this in private, to have to face the public that is something I really don’t think I would be able to do. I believe that standing by him by not leaving him is enough. It takes a very strong woman to be able to do something like that.
If the spouse was NOT there wouldn’t everyone wonder what’s up with that? How was she doing? By being there she’s saying I’m okay, don’t worry about me. But in that case she’d have to be standing back and looking pissed. Not by his side.
I heard his speech this AM on NPR. They remarked about how absent of emotion it was.
Silda looks like a zombie. How is that helping her children? All it shows them is that she lacks self respect. After 20 years of marriage (I’m going on 11) there’s no more “in love of being in love” believe you me. I wish she would have slapped him. Hard.
Having an affair is totally different than visiting a prostitute. Nevertheless, marriage has to be built on TRUST. If it lacks trust, its some other type of arrangement, but not a marriage. It would drive me mad if my husband cheated and I knew, I could never be at ease with him again – let alone share intimacy. I have 2 toddlers, but we’d be starting a clean life without daddy under our roof – and they would be learning about ethics. These teenagers may be dating, or starting to date (I don’t know their ages). The lesson is “if you are disrespected stand up for yourself.” I hope they get that.
I’m sure Spitzer got an extra thrill because what he was doing was illicit, and completely opposite his public persona. They will have a hard time getting an impartial jury of his peers in NY. Completely disgusting.
“I’m the kind of daughter who wound wonder the exact opposite — why would you let Daddy make you stand at his side after he was a total jerk to you?”
My sentiments exactly!! These men don’t deserve the support of their wives and I for one, under such circumstances would NOT be standing at his side like this. I know we vow to be with our husbands for better or for worse and many may see this as testimony to that vow, but the vow became null and void when you committed adultery!!
I can respect alot of the points that have been made. But what you have to understand is what your marriage vows mean to you might not mean the same thing to another person. When some folks get up there and take those vows they truly mean for better or worse, till DEATH DUE US PART. It’s not just a promise to your spouse but for some people it’s a promise to GOD.
Many, many years ago I discovered my spouse was cheating with a hooker while I was pregnant. The day I heard my child’s heart beat for the first time was the day I found out. At that point in my life that was the worst thing that had every happened to me. I wanted to die. How could he do this to me? How could he do this to his child?
I always told myself that if he cheated I would leave but something told me to stay. I can’t explain it. At the time it made no sense. I just knew that leaving wasn’t the answers. Years would pass before I would understand why.
We would later divorce but I’m so glad that I followed my heart and stayed with him. I thought that having a man cheat on me was the worst thing in the world that could happen to a women but it’s not.
My point is a marriage only consist of two people don’t look in on someone else’s relationship and think you know the whole truth. And unless your husband is a public figure believe me you have no idea what you would do.
Looks like I’m one of those few women who understand why Silda came out and stood next to Eliot two times this past week. It’s crazy, but it makes sense. I enumerate some of those reason there on my blog: http://www.somethingwithin.com/blog.
I’ll mention three reasons here:
You enjoyed the perks that came with his office and that accrued with his success, you show up and share in the humiliation and shame that come with his downfall.
You stand beside your philandering husband as he tenders his resignation for the same reason a mother shows up at the trial of a son who’s accused of murder. Because he’s family.
You stand next to him because, as crazy as it sounds, you still love him. I know. It’s crazy
LTEEFAW — wow. You’re right — I don’t know how I would deal with that. This is why I love the exchanges we have here. I learn so much from the perspectives and experiences of others. Thank you for sharing your story.
LTEEFAW — I have so much respect for you for sharing your story, especially after reading some of the comments here about what some women feel they would do or how they view women who stay. I’m sure there are others who have stories too, just choose not to share, for various reasons. And as you said, even though you’re divorced now, you are glad that you made the decision you made before for reasons that you know best. I feel like if you haven’t been there and you pass judgment on a woman who is there for whatever action she takes, it’s like being an armchair football coach. You’re not there, it’s not your game to win or lose, and you certainly aren’t taking the hits, but somehow you know just what the players should/shouldn’t do. We all have opinions, but to think your opinion is the absolute truth is a fallacy. There is no absolute truth in a situation like this.
And I agree, LTEEFAW. Having your husband cheat, while devastating, is not the worst thing that can happen to you. I’m one of those people that choose not to share my story, but believe me. If you think a cheating husband is the worst thing that can happen, then keep living. And I also agree with one other point you made. I’m divorced now, too, but before I decided to take that course, one of the reasons I stayed in the situation that I did was that I had made a promise, not just to a man, but to and before God, and I took that very seriously. I wanted to be sure in my heart that when I decided to go forward without this man, it was what I should do (and adultery is most definitely listed in the Bible as a reason to kick somebody to the curb), and not just action driven by anger, pride, and hurt.
she is trippin but she tryin to make him not look so bad. she aint fuckin him tho naa meaan?
[...] will be sworn in before the State Legislator, effectively ending Eliot Spitzer’s in-office shame spiral. Thus far, the result of this whole incident has been history-making — Paterson will be the [...]