Ask Afrobella — Love Me, Love My Hair?
From painful experience, I’ve learned to avoid giving advice on matters of the heart. I’ve lost more than one girlfriend by opening my big mouth and telling her what I really thought about her man. Through those experiences I’ve learned, sometimes people might say that they want you to be honest with them, but it can be a mistake to be TOO honest. Being too honest can rip the scab off a wound that goes deeper than you realized.
Before you know it, poof, there goes your ya ya sisterhood, and the dude in question always manages to stay in the picture.
I’ve definitely experienced this enough to have learned my lesson. But here I go again. This Ask Afrobella is about matters of the hair and heart. Read on.
Dear Bella:
I’m a 32-year-old mom-to-be who started the transition to natural hair last summer. Unlike some other Bellas, I chose to have my hair blown out into a straight, more mainstream style while I transitioned. Well, I am within about an inch or so (yay!!!) of being totally natural and I’d like to wear my hair in more more natural styles. Having had a relaxer since I was about six, I had no idea what my texture was before. Even if it were the definition of what our people call nappy, I would like to wear it in its natural state, especially now that I am expecting. Between morning sickness and figuring out what looks good on my changing body, a girl just doesn’t have time to fuss with her ‘do!
The problem is my fiance. He has a severe allergic reaction to natural hair, to the point of calling it ugly and unattractive. He and his mother have gone so far as to tell me I need to “Go get a perm.” A few months into dating, I discovered that he himself would perm his hair to achieve the wave look. I was appalled, not because it was a perm so much but because he seems to dislike his own hair texture so much. He has since grown this mess out, but he still wears wave caps to achieve the wave pattern, which looks nice, but is a bit dated. It is 2008, after all!
In any case, while shopping a few days ago, I pointed to this beautiful woman who was wearing a curly afro and commented that I loved her hair and that as my pregnancy progressed, I’d like to wear my hair in a similar style, braided or in twists perhaps. He nearly lost his mind. Long story short, Bella, is there anything you might suggest in a situation like this? I haven’t read your blog long, but I absolutely LOVE it. Your vibe and advice are so refreshing – you feel like an old friend.
Shay in Atlanta.
Hey Shay, mmm mmm mmmmm. This is a tough one.
First of all, let me just say congratulations on your new addition to the family! This should be a beautiful time in your life, so I hate to hear that you’ve got any kind of stress. A new, beautiful baby is growing inside you, and you’re poised and ready to make the ultimate commitment to your fiance. But I wouldn’t be Afrobella if I didn’t voice some concerns about your husband to be, his mama, and their feelings about natural hair.
And seeing as you’re writing to me as opposed to, I dunno, straight-bella, perma-bella, or relax-a-bella, or some other blog where chemically changing the texture of your natural crown is encouraged, you already know my thoughts. I think your hair is your hair, you should be able to wear and style it however you want to. Especially now that your body is changing, your hormones are hopping, and you’re trying to take the best care of you and the life inside you.
Just so you’re completely informed, although many bellas avoid dye and relaxer during pregnancy, according to Ask A Doctor, “there is no evidence that I am aware of to suggest that dyes, straighteners or other treatments are dangerous when used in early pregnancy. Nor is there any good evidence that use of such treatments affects becoming pregnant. Little if any of these chemicals are absorbed into the mother’s circulation, and so the pregnancy should not receive a significant exposure.”
But this is only according to an online doctor. You should ask your real doctor what they think.
Enough about the physical effects of relaxer. Let’s talk about the mental.
Of course, not everyone feels as passionately as I do about embracing your hair’s natural texture, but in this case… I hate to say it, but — to paraphrase Bob Marley — your husband-to-be and mother-in-law-to-be sound like victims of mental slavery. None but themselves can free their minds. I see naturally kinky and curly hair as beautiful and so do you, but some people are just really closed-minded and conditioned to only see straight hair as beautiful. It makes me sad, especially for people who are not born with that texture, who will therefore spend their entire lives battling what their hair naturally wants to be.
It’s your husband’s right to style his hair as he sees fit. He can go ahead and get his Terence Howard on (if you don’t know, now you know), or rock a nouveau Soul Glo like Jennifer Hudson’s new fiance… my problem is not with his own styling choices. My problem is that he’s trying to impose his own ideas of beauty on you and devaluing your self-esteem in the process.
Does he love you as a person inside and out, or is he more concerned about your physical appearance? And if you guys aren’t even married yet and already he’s tripping about how you want to style your hair, how’s he going to act when you’ve got bigger concerns to worry about? Like, um, kids? If you have a girl, will he want to relax their hair at an unreasonably early age? So many questions.
This Ask Afrobella troubled me so much, I had to call my parents. They’ve been married for a lifetime, so I knew they’d have some light to shed.
My dad weighed in : “From my experience, you never give advice on somebody’s spouse, or spouse to be. However, I find it difficult to understand in this day and age how someone could go to such lengths to alter his appearance. If he wants to alter his appearance, then that’s up to him. But what is he going to marry? Is he going to marry the lady’s hair? Did he just fall in love with her hair, or did he fall in love with a person with all kinds of different attributes? This is how she has to approach him. As simple as this issue is, they need to resolve it before they get married. They’re already starting off with a conflict, and it isn’t going to get any better. You have to resolve this issue, he has to love you for who you are before you get married. I see your mother many times and I don’t like her hairstyle… but would I leave her for that, or make her life miserable? No. It is what she wants to do with her hair, and how she wants to present herself. I love her regardless.”
Cue frosty silence from Mama Bella on the other line. Don’t get yourself in trouble, Dad!
My mom also offered advice. “It’s better she’s independent now and says this is MY body, and MY hair, and don’t let his self esteem issues transfer on to you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not in the beheld. He should love you as you are. Punto finale.”
So that’s what I think, and what my parents think. But the REAL question is what you think is best for you and your baby. This man will be a part of your lives, and you love him, right? So you’ve got to consider the kind of family life you want, need, and deserve to have. Let’s consider your options with respect to your potentially transitioning into natural hairstyles.
Option 1 — You could take a stand and tell your husband and his mama, “love me, love my hair.” You have a sitdown and explain to him, honeybunny, I love you and I see a bright future for us… but I’m going to change my hairstyle during this pregnancy. I hope you can still see me as the same woman you asked to marry you, regardless of if my hair is straight or curly.
What’s the worst that could happen? I’d hate to think your man would break up with you over this. So maybe over time him, his mama, and his relatives come up with sassy put downs about your hair. If you’re strong in your desire to wear your hair as you see fit, you’ll learn how to deflect their hateration without letting it ruin your day. My mom and dad might not want to admit this now, but they weren’t exactly thrilled when I first laid down the creamy crack. I took some jokes at home from family and friends. But they’ve definitely come around now, though — the ones I care about, anyway. It takes time, but option 1 could be worth it.
Option 2 — you suck it up for the sake of family unity. As someone who’s been married for six years herself, I’ll tell ya — marriage takes compromise. You want to do one thing, he wants to do another, and in my experience it’s best to choose your battles wisely. This is the man you’re walking down the aisle with, and having a child with. It is just hair, right? Maybe working with him to overcome his issues, and letting him know that even his own natural hair looks good without an S-Curl or a wave cap, could be a good step towards his future acceptance.
Option 3 — don’t even talk to him about it, just do what you want to do anyway. Try this next weekend — give yourself a day of beauty and pampering. Deep condition your hair and style it the way you want to, put on your favorite outfit and make yourself feel beautiful. Let him see how you look and how it makes you feel, and see what he has to say then. It might not be as bad as you anticipate. And if he truly loves you, he’ll have to learn to love you as you want to be, eventually.
Which option will you go with?
I really, really hope this helps. Lots of love and encouragement to you, Shay.
Bellas and fellas, PLEASE chime in and tell Shay what you all think. What advice should I have given, here? What advice do you have to give? This is a tough one, right?
Category: Ask Afrobella, Hair, Issues
Subscribe
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to receive more just like it.
Comments (88)
Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed
Sites That Link to this Post
- Natural Hair. « Kasalina’s Weblog | September 16, 2008
- Natural ladies and those on the verge, here’s a link to an interesting read from Afrobella on the subject « Affrodite’s Adventures in Nappy Hair | October 8, 2008
- Natural Beauty « Kasalina’s Weblog | October 22, 2008
Wow….I don’t even know what to say. I feel so blessed that my husband was WITH me on my journey to being natural but I know that a lot of women don’t have that support.
The only advice I can give is this:
1) Draw the line in the sand very early on with the grandmother. God forbid you have a beautiful nappy headed little girl. Let her know that it will be YOU and your husband making any and all decisions about how your child will wear their hair. Let her know NOW – not when it’s too late.
2) Continue to work on your husband. Unfortunately a lot of men attach long, straight hair to sex appeal. Most black men are not used to seeing natural hairstyles and it’s going to take a lot of women wearing them and being CONFIDENT to shift that paradigm. Point out a beautiful bella every time you see her on the street. Clip magazine pics of women wearing natural styles and still being sexy. It may sound stupid but the more you can link your new hairdo to sex – the more likely it is he will come around.
3) Like Bella said, marriage really is all about compromise. If your hair is where you want to draw the line and if you feel like it speaks more to who you are as a person than fight tooth and nail. If not, don’t. I’ve learned in my own marriage that more and more important things are going to come up, especially when you have children. At the end of the day you just want to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
IDK, this is such a difficult topic. Good luck!
I don’t know if I would go as far as to say that Shay’s fiance has self-hate issues because he relaxes his hair, or doesn’t like her natural hair because we all have preferences and that’s ok. What I will say is that you need to resolve this matter one way or another before you walk down the aisle because this has the potential to end a relationship. If he nags you this much about your hair then he might be pretty shallow when it comes to a woman’s appearance and he will use any flaw that he sees in you to tear you down and that’s a scary thought.
I hope to offer more than my opinion. Here are some actions you could take.
Pre-marital counseling is always encouraged because marriage is one of the biggest decisions that one can make.
And in a tactful way let your fiance know that you would prefer that this issue remain between the two of you and to please ask his mother to refrain from commenting on your hair or possibly your babies hair in the future.
Showing your fiance the various natural looks that you could achieve might help him (I also was not knowledgeable about how one could wear natural hair, accept of course for the afro). maybe even get a natural hair magazine and ask him what styles he likes the best.
We must gradually change the worlds image of beautiful. I think we could do that more successfully by example and patiance than contempt. My own mother has said that I need to just press my hair. I don’t take offense, I know that she has not come to the understanding or acceptance that I have for my natural hair (she has natural hair but gets the good ole’ press and curl). I assume that you met him with straight hair and though we all change and mature we dont all do it at the same rate, nor concerning the same things.
as for the control issue. We would need to be present in your relationship to determine if he’s a manicical control freak as some people seem to believe based off of the fact that he wants you to get a perm. Come on sisters, we KNOW that the same way we were cultered into perms, our men were told that long straight hair was beautiful. Look at most of the black women in the media…weaves (not to down my sisters who choose to do that). But very few mainstream sisters are in their natural glory. We are fighting an uphill battle and cannot become disgusted with those that have not taken up the cause with us. Lets face it, it took most of us a while to decide to go natural. Most did not just wake up one morning with no prior influence and say, I want to go natural. We saw other natural sisters, or got tired of the perms or a host of other catalysts that gradually altered our opinions. The journey took years for some, and for others it may have taken 5 mintues.
Give him a chance to come around. And lets face it, he may never agree with it but hopefully he will come to accept it. And remember, a positive self-image is important, but there are more important things in life than hair and in MY opinion, that is not a reason to become a single mom. (Especially if you may decide in the future that you prefer the blowout that you had before).
I hope I have imparted some wise counsel but the decison is yours and I pray that you make one that you can live and prosper with.
Have a beautiful healthy baby!
Bella here’s my 2nd question of the day. If you and your spouse decided to have a baby now that child would be born with “more manageable” hair than some of the “kinky” babybellas out there with “coarse” beautiful ‘fros. So if the father is supposed to have a say in the child’s upbringing is he wrong to want his child to be have “more manageable” hair? On a personal note I’d be scurred if my husband to be and father of my unborn child was that submissive to babylon’s ways but that something his mama taught him and at this stage a bit hard to change.
I have a similar, but different experience with this situation, but the keyword here is CONFIDENCE. I am pretty much chiming in with Afrobella. Girl You got to work that fro. Once he sees that you have confidence in the beauty of your natural hair, he will appreciate it and encourage it (if he is truly a good man). My issue was with the creamy crack style though. I change my mind about my hair a lot and I went natural for a while and my husband (then fiance’) liked how soft it was, but I have since gone back on the crack and I am sporting a short hairdo. Hubby likes it, but there was a time when he complained about me cutting my hair (he wanted me to have long flowing beyonce hair which I have never been able to achieve with the crack, but have when I was natural), but since I change my mind a lot, I just did me. I let it grow out and on a whim I would cut it again. He was my boyfriend at the time, and after I was pregnant I let my perm grow out and when I permed it, it was really long, but when I went to weaves and was growing out my perm again he came to me and said why don’t you just wear your hair short, I like it now, you look good with it short, you don’t have to have it long for me. So the moral of the story is stay strong and be you, if you feel strongly about natural hair rock it proudly and anyway, the hair that grows naturally from your scalp is the most beautiful hair to rock.
My daughter had the same issue and she decided to go natural but to please her husband sometimes she puts on a staight ponytail or wear a wig but most of the time she wears her own natural. Her husband just had to get used to it.
I agree with you and Mamabella. Shay should do what she wants to do with HER hair. If the man wants long and wavy, he can perm HIS hair (which apparently he is already doing so there shouldn’t be an issue.)
When I decided to go natural my boyfriend at the time went on and on about how I looked like a little boy (my hair was about an inch long) and how he and I couldn’t go to the same barber. After about a week of teasing, I told him that if couldn’t deal with my fabulous natural hair, he wouldn’t be dealing with me. A few months later we broke up for other reasons and I am currently engaged to a man who loves my natural. To this day, I am so happy that I stood my ground about the hair. I would hate to have gone to the creamy crack to please someone who was gone less than a year later.
Shay, stay strong and do you whether it is permed, blown out or rockin’ an Angela Davis afro!
Shay…
Your story is mine… I transitioned with a blow out press and have been natural for some time now. My father HATES my nappy hair. I LOVE it. Which is paramount after all.
Anywho…
Why dont you get some braids? Micro’s or Two strands to ease the look on to you husband? Or even some pretty up do braid styles. I do it all the time, for convience and to switch up my look. If you keep it really diverse, and well managed, you can slip you OWN hair looks and it won’t be to startling to your husband. His feelings count too, even if they are ones of racial and self insecurity.
I feel that you need to do what makes you happy, keyword being YOU! I’ve been natural all my 29 years in this life; I have had to cut people(family, friends and a fiance.) off because I am comfortable in hershey special dark skin, my big lips, and waist length dreads. He needs to accept for who you are. mom-in-law has no sayso whatsoever. My ob-gyn doesn’t think hair relaxers are safe while you’re pregnant. He feels that the chemicals do affect your growing child .
I HOPE YOU DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND SET YOU FREE!
this is some good feedback ladies, i hope Shay is able to find some kind of peace of mind.
another tip Shay is to explain just what perming ones hair can do to your hair’s health. did you know that frequent and prolonged perming can make one go bald in spots? that the chemicals used in perms are the same as those used in Draino? that in perming ones hair you are actually harming your hair as you are stripping off layers of your hair that are there to protect and make your hair stronger? so essentially, perming your hair is doing more harm to your hair than good, all for the sake of maintaining an unnatural standard of beauty.
if, even after breaking it down to your man like this he is STILL adamantly against natural hairstyles and wishes you to get a perm, then to you i say ‘be very careful’. for a man who would rather you cause potential harm to yourself in any fashion for the sole superficial purpose of aesthetics is not a man who truly loves you and has your best interests (or those of your child) at heart.
i, personally, shirk at the idea of changing who i am, especially when i love myself as much as i do.
i know that you are in a sticky situation because he is your fiance, the father of your child, and someone you love very much. so its a lot easier for folks to give you such clear cut advice because we’re not in your shoes. in the end i know you will do whats best for you and your child.
Shay, a good friend of mine is also facing this situation with her husband. They have been married for one year now. She likes wearing her hair natural and then eventually started straightening and then perming her hair. This is a big issue for a lot of black women (I am fortunate to have a husband who loves natural hair). A lot of commentary from various people have been suggestions that you give your fiance something just short of an ultimatum. That is not the way to go in most relationships, and as Bella says, there are compromises to make in every relationship. If there is some way that you two can meet at a middle group (i.e., maybe he likes some natural styles more than others) then I think that would be best. But ultimately that decision is up to you to make, in the best interest of your relationship, yourself, and your little one on the way. I wish you well.
Wow, due to Hurricane Ike I missed this discussion. All I have to add is that I really hope she follows up with you and the blog, Bella. I am very interested to see what comes of this.
Some of these responses seem a bit harsh to me with calls for Shay to dump her fiance. Shay is pregnant afterall and we don’t know the financial and emotional obligations present. My perspective is that sure you could tell him to ‘step off’ but how does that actually resolve the conflict?
When people are being difficult that is the time to love them even more. We are not perfect. I’m certainly not suggesting being a doormat by any means but this is an opportunity for you and he to grow closer and work through this. Yes his attitudes can be indicative of other issues but so can many things.
I’d be far more concerned about finances that how a person dresses/chooses to style their hair. It is one aspect not the only aspect. Of you and your relationship. If other aspects are equally out of sync then I’d be concerned.
But before so much emphasis be put on your fiance I’d question myself about my own standards and my own perspectives I’m bringing into the relationship as well. Do you consider your fiance fully formed in his opinions or will you give him time to grow more into his ‘manhood’?
It sounds like he has a domineering mother who thought it was best to be ‘tough’ and may not have had a father present. Sometimes we Black women are so distrusting of Black men we can’t possibly imagine they’d be functioning in a relationship. We can push them away or leave no room for them to breathe.
You chose to be with him for a reason and have to own complete responsibility for that. There are no victims here. You either negotiate from a position of power or you decide to abdicate it.
Focus on your healthy baby, stress based on foolishness is not necessary. My husband and I still struggle with the straight vs. afro debate, and in the fall once the humidity dies down I get a dominican blow out for him to see. I love my afro, I love myself. I love my husband, and he loves me regardless what the do of the day may be. Love is complicated, but your appearance should be the last problem you have.
Dear Bella and Afrobella readers:
I wanted to thank you all for your comments regarding my original question regarding wearing my hair in more natural styles. I’d initially let Bella know that it was okay to share an email I’d sent to her in private thanking all of you, but I thought I’d be remiss if I didn’t take a minute or two to say the same to all of you myself. THANK YOU. Bella’s blog post touched my heart. If you haven’t figured it out yet, she is a gift from God and I hope that everything she strives towards becomes a reality. Not only did she deal with my issue, she lent it the compassion only she can. So, please continue to support her and give her love so that she can continue to bless the world with her wit, wisdom and humor. Oh yeah, and her hair knowledge!
Having said that, your comments made me laugh and cry, but all in a good way! The advice all of you dispensed here was invaluable, even if some of the comments were a little snippy. But I understand that those of you who bothered to comment were motivated by love and not a desire to tear me down. I’ve made up my mind about what I’d like to do with my hair, which is to wear it more naturally, whether it’s in braids or twists or something else. I’d actually decided that when I began my transition. Of course, since I’ve been wearing my hair in blow outs, I could also continue to go back to that when the mood strikes me.
Regardless, I wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate all of you for your care and concern. It takes a lot of guts to blindly post to a blog knowing that you might be attacked or even belittled for your opinion. It took me days to actually move my email to Bella from the drafts folder, but I did it and I’m glad. Again, you all made me laugh so hard at times, cry and even scratch my head. You have helped me and some other woman out there who isn’t quite as brave as I am to put it all out there. But there are a few of you that I wanted to address directly. Hatianroots, thanks for your positivity. Latoya Peterson, you spoke directly to some of the things that have come up within my own relationship. My hairdresser has been with me from the start of my transition, which began in May 2007, quite some time after my fiance and I got together. Ironic, huh? Poster Sandra thought I may have been sending mixed messages, but I was never confused – I take people as they are, even when I can’t say I agree with a personal choice they may have made. In this case, I love my fiance for who he is; we’re just having a difference of opinion on this one. Marriage counseling and parenting classes are on the horizon too. I think we’ll need them
I don’t know the baby’s sex just yet, ya’ll, but if it’s a girl, I’ll teach her to be happy to be nappy, and as I expressed to Bella in my email, if wooly hair is good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!
Be blessed Bellas. And again, I can’t thank you all enough for your wisdom.
Shay
I’m sorry to say this, actually I am not. I would leave this man. Simple. I could not bear to be with someone with such a slave mentality. The hair is only the beginning.
Shay, thank you so much for chiming in and following up, and also for being brave enough to put your situation out there as you already know, and have said, you’re definitely not the only person dealing with this dilemma. Many blessings to you and your family, in whatever are led to do.
Good for you! I love different styles and hate cookie cutter looks!
Hey Shay!!! Hey Bella’s!!! I had to speak on this as a natural hairstylist(in ATL) who has seen many-a-client sit in my chair and stress over the same exact situation…guess what???? It gets better!!! All the ladies who have transitioned to natural and their husbands didn’t like it at first, have grown to like it and some really start to love it!!!
Most of my clients transition for health reasons like yourself and stick with it after their pregnancy, scalps have healed, spirits have healed, etc…So i say stick with it and check out message boards like nappturality and afrobella for great tips on how to keep your hair (and baby) healthy and beautiful. If you need help, call me Shana 404-399-4348 at Honeecomb Natural Hair (lil shameless plug). I would be happy to help and give you tips on how to look sexy for your man and how to show your mama-in-law how us natural girls are elegant, sophisticated, fierce and fabulous!!!
Shay — thank YOU for putting yourself out there, I’m sure that many others will face this situation. I wish the very best for you and yours. And yes, girl, a little counseling can be a good thing! We are all growing and learning. One thing, if you’re having “natural” childbirth or not, braid that hair up for the whole labor/delivery thing. Trust. Been there and done that, honey, and it’s a WHOLE lot easier!
Dear Ms. Afrobella,
I found your blog while doing some searches for tips on bi-racial hair. I’m Puerto Rican and my husband is African-American. We have two beautiful little girls, Gabrielle and Alexandra. Anyway, Gabi’s hair is very tightly curled and a little more coarser and Lexi’s hair is also tightly curled and less coarse. Anyway, reading your blogs have helped me to manage both of my girls hair types with great and natural tips. I make sure my girls feel like princesses every single day and to love themselves and what God has given them. That is all I wanted to say. Thank you for your great and natural hair advise.
Best regards,
Jackie Hale
Warwick, NY
Wow! I guess I’m just floored by the fact that in 2008 …2008!!!!! …there is a black man telling the woman who is carrying his child and who is about to become his life partner that he doesn’t like the hair that she came into the world with.
I’m going to be honest here, and I’m sure I’ll here from the bellas on this one, but it was that kind of self-hatred that made me open myself to the possibilities of dating non-black men.
The last black man I dated seriously (eight years ago now) was at my home one evening. I had spent the day preparing a wonderful meal and then dressed up nicely so we would have sort of a special ocassion. Sometime during the evening, he said this: “You look so nice tonight. You know, I’m surprised how attracted I am to you since I’m usually only attracted to light-skinned women.”
Yep. Those words came out of the mouth of a highly educated, well-travelled, seemingly versed in his own history black man. Needless to say, he never got another meal (or anything else for that matter) out of me again.
Shortly afterward, I noticed that the men complimenting my extremely short hair were Cuban men (I lived in Miami at the time), French men, German men, white boys from north Florida and north Philly.
But if I went to a black club or other black event with friends, I never got any attention. Never. That’s not to say that there aren’t black men who love us no matter what. I know there are. I just don’t meet them.
To to the bella who sent the email: I’m not married but I know when I decide to make that level of commitment to someone, I hope he accepts that I am of African descent. My hair is nappy. My skin dark. My lips full. And I hope he loves it.
Good luck to you.
Thanks Shay for responding! I was wondering what your thoughts were. I agree with the hairdresser – it DOES get better. Many of us have grown up with and around straight hair so long, it’s not surprising to me that our significant others, family members and friends don’t understand why in the world we’d want to walk around with “nappy” hair. The first time I wore my natural hair out in public, my husband was NOT happy. My mom and sister used my pics for comic relief. When they finally all saw my hair in real life, all I heard was how cute it was. My husband isn’t in love with all my styles, but what he does like is that I’m finally letting my hair grow and am less stressed out about my hair than I was with a perm. Good luck with the baby, and on your upcoming marriage, and thanks for sharing your story with Afrobella.
My biggest worry is not for you but your child. Especially if that child is a girl. If Daddy hates his natural hair and Mommy’s natural hair, how can she or he love themselves and the reflection they see in the mirror.
I totally agree with family bella!! I’ve been there, done that. I went 7 mths without a relaxer and then I cut my hair. My boyfriend and his family had all the jokes in the world about my hair, but I made the decision to do what I wanted to do. He acted like a fool and even went as far to say that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Needless to say it has been 23 mths now and everyone wants to run their hands through my hair!! Go figure!!
I made a decision to do what I wanted and I was satisfied, but moreso happy with it. I told him and his family that they would accept me or they wouldn’t. I do believe that this is an issue that you definitely need to handle before any “I do’s” take place. Handle it for yourself first, but also realize that you are the voice of your “new addition”. What will the two of you say to the world?
I grew up hating my hair in APARTHEID SOUTH AFRICA where the “whiter” you looked the more chance you had of getting somewhere in life.
It has taken me lots of encouragement from my husband to grow my natural, unrelaxed hair out and sport an Afro to scream out loud about who I really am.
It is hard enough dealing with the emotional issues and stereotypical issues you face when going NATURAL, let alone someone who makes you feel ugly about it.
Anyone who literally `denies their roots´ is undoing what Nelson Mandela did for not only South Africans, but everyone else.
Mzansi Madame
Shay,
speaking from experience, I was with someone who was fixated on the look of long straight hair. It went from him complimenting me when I’d decide to wear my hair down (perm) to him almost insisting that I keep it blown straight. My hair is wavy when wet, so I used to wear a ponytail alot. It got to the point where I’d get quick weaves to keep him happy. I was pretty young when this occurred, and his mom who was a constant witness to this never told him to accept me for who I was, she always seemed to silently agree and support him.
In the end Shay it didn’t work out. He became more controlling, more posessive, obsessively unfaithful, and verbally and physically abusive.
I think anyone inconsiderate enough to not value your opinions or your personal sense of self with your hair needs some serious counseling. I suggest that you both get some marriage counseling before you take the big leap. I’m doing just fine with my 2 girls and I’m so happy that he isn’t apart of our lives. He’s a horrible father as well.
In conclusion, I followed my heart, trusted my gut and God, and made it out ok.
His mom is with a man who isn’t faithful, and she looks unhappy whenever I happen to see her around the way. He’s in Las Vegas hiding from child support for the many kids that he’s had here in AZ. Trust your gut Shay, you know something isn’t right about this.
I decided to go natural last summer. I told my husband I was going to cut my hair off. His reply was “the clippers are in the closet”. He even tightened up my little ceasar. He was really supportive, he would even buy me new hair products to try. Months later he told me that he didn’t like my hair when it was short. That let me know he would support me no matter if he liked my decision or not. I hope your fiance learns to me more understanding & supportive of you & your decisions.
I have also learned that there is no marriage without compromise. You have to ask yourself is the issue really worth fighting for. If it is you still have to be prepared to compromise chances are if he feels strongly he may only give a little.
I don’t know what your going to do about his mama though. But I do know 3′s a crowd in a marriage.
I hope they let you breathe at least until your baby is born. You don’t need the stress right now.
Take care of yourself
GA Girl
Is it me or do the lot of Black men have hang ups about natural hair….I personally believe its in part due to misguided beauty ideals. They all want us to have that long flowing straight hair from that damn Pantene Pro V commercial, lol! I personally have had to defend my natural hair to my family, boyfriends, and people I don’t even know on the street. I have had guys fall over me when my hair is pressed out and not even recognize me when it is natural. My last boyfriend actually said to me ..”you need to stop not trying to be white and just go get a perm”…”it’s amazing how you look when your hair is straight” implying that my pressed hair trumps my natural dos. I guess what I’m trying to say (hope I don’t sound too bitter) but finding a black man who actually embraces women with natural hair is kind of hard. They are out there…but rare. They don’t seem to understand the importance of acknowledging our (black women’s) natural beauty. I don’t know how we can get them on board, but I hope more brothers come around. I just feel like they should be the main ones backing us. It’s disappointing to continuously encounter guys that do otherwise.
As for advice..he could come around and support you. And yeah, he should like you for who you are not your hair, but the real tip changing a persons mindset doesn’t happen overnight and it may not happen at all. You have to make sure going natural is really want YOU desire and wear your hair PROUDLY! Cuz, the comments may not stop. When you have the glow of confidence and happiness, you know once you make your decision, he may love you for finding a piece of yourself. And God willing you may help him see the beauty in his own self. Best of Luck and many Blessings!
I think that her hubby needs to calm down. I’m on the India.Arie plan: I AM NOT MY HAIR.
After 6 years natural, my husband still prefers my hair straight, but that is his preference, not mine. Everyone is not going to agree with your decision to be natural, but over time, you’ll care less and less about what they think. I say do what “YOU” feel.
Congratulations to Mama and Papa Bella on your fortieth wedding anniversary.
Bert Daniel (Orlando USA)
My daughter, Heather is bi-racial (hispanic/black) & has very coarse hair. Her hair has a relaxer, so it is straight. It has been 4 months sincer her last relaxer treatment. One of her friend’s (also bi-racial) has done the Japanese hair straightner treatment instead of the relaxer and her hair texture is just like the relaxer. Well Heather would like to try the Japanese hair straightner treatment. My question is: would you recommend this treatment? Does it matter since she has done the relaxer in the past? Is 4 months long enough to do a different treatment and will not affect her hair texture. Do not want her hair to fall off because of not knowing much about black hair. Have asked white stylists and they do not know. Have asked ethnic stylists and they do not recommend it. My daughter can not stand the scalp burn of the chemicals relaxer and wants to do the Japanese treatment. What do you recommend?
Please Help Me. I am wearing my hair locked for five years. Now within the past 6 months, my hairline has thinned and rapidly the rest of my scalp. I am talking hormones for surgical menapause for the past 5 yrs. I take B6 vitamins and use good moisturizing products. What should I do. I don’t want to lose any more hair. What more can I do?
I need help!!!!!! I have been natural now for 5 1\2 years. I did my cut on impuse did’nt even think twice. I ma happy with it. I need to know what to do with it now that my AFRO has gotten so big. I did a two strand twist out and frizzed up in a day. I get the stares from males and females. I have heard the commets both sides, some are good some are bad. I have done the AFRO puff ponytail. Do’nt want to keep pulling it back. pls help like I know you can.
Thanks in advance!!!