Not Today
bella | Mar 28, 2007 | Comments 75
I’m pretty much drowning in work today, so no post from me until later, bellas. But I do have two quick things to say.
1. Paging Kam! Kam, you won the conditioner sample and I’ve tried e mailing you three times to no avail. My e mail has been returned every time. If you want the sample, please e mail me (bella@afrobella.com) with your mailing address. This brings me to the topic of fake e mail addresses.
If you post a comment with a fake e mail address, it will most likely get stuck in my spam filter. I do go through it every day, but to keep it real with you, I must admit that I didn’t really feel that bad when a particularly nasty comment to my post about Maddy the Frog Princess got stuck in there yesterday. So to the lady who suggested that I somehow hate my heritage and had a terrible childhood because I’m psyched to see Disney have a black princess, shed a tear because your comment got thrown out with the rest of the spam. I did notice it in there but somehow I didn’t have the energy to fish it out from among the grandma porn and Valtrex ads that I get bombarded with daily.
2. The reason I didn’t have the energy is because of that extremely combative discussion regarding this week’s Afrobella of the Week. I need to take a day to wrap my mind around that scene. But first, I need some reader feedback.
I am of the opinion that there’s far too much negativity on these internets as it is. I do want this site to be a place for honest and uplifting discussion, but all of that drama really got me down. There is no constructive criticism in accusing another businesswoman of wearing a weave, or having a celebrity’s baby. There is nothing positive in slander.
I felt especially saddened by some of the latter comments, where some readers confessed that they don’t have many black girlfriends because of this kind of thing, and others said that a successful black woman should expect that kind of response from other women of color. I guess the reason that all of the back-and-forth hateration got to me is because I still believe in sisterhood. The way I see it is, women of color should be supporting each other as much as possible. In fact, women in general should be supporting each other as much as possible. But much too often, we get caught up in trying to tear each other down.
I might be biting off more than I can chew with this question, but I want to hear from you.
Have you ever been really screwed over or hurt by a woman you saw as your friend, or as someone who should be your friend? Do you believe in sisterhood? Or do you think that sisterhood is a myth?
I’ll be back tomorrow with a more positive perspective, I promise. For now, I’m just wanting to hear your views.
Filed Under: Issues
Hey Bella,
Just wanted to comment that I love your site and look forward to checking it on a weekly basis. I’ve even stopped visiting another website (I won’t mention the name but some of you all can guess) because of the mean and nasty comments posted. I like the positivity of your site, the fact that it’s not ALL about CELEBRITIES, and your writing about different genres of music, and now food. Anyway, I have been stabbed in the back by a lot of black women, some white and hispanic women. The only reason for this was because I associated with a lot of sistas, and when I was younger, I thought having a LOT of friends was more important than actually having a small number of GOOD TRUE friends. I don’t have a lot of friends, but at least the few I have will definitely have my back if something goes down.
I read the comments from yesterday’s post and all I have to say is that neither person (anon and businesswoman) acted in a positive manner. Sistas will come together when we ALL start getting our personal issues in check. But I still believe in it.
First off…bella I LOVE this site!! I’m so happy I found it. Ok napp swinging off…*SMILE*
As far as the topic at hand–Not too long ago, I would have said over and over again that I couldn’t stand being around a bunch of women. My main reasoning: In general I believe that Black women are constantly competing. To me, that’s what fosters this unnecessary vindictiveness and this “let me one up you” mentality. I mean think about it between the scarce supply of Black Men, Natural vs Chemically Processed Hair, Light Skin vs Dark Skin, Black American vs African American, Fat vs Thin….the list goes on and on. We always seem to find SOMETHING to fight about. And it makes absolutely no sense. I’ve recently been gifted with a womens ministry (trust me I balked at this big time) so I will say that sisterhood is something that has the power to change our community. We have to be open to it and committed to affecting change to see this sisterhood of ours bloom into the greatness it once was.
Hi bella & other afrobella devoted readers,
Love the blog.
Here is what I don’t understand. I have had negative, hurtful experiences with my family, does that mean I stop loving them?
I have had negative, hurtful experiences with men, does that mean I stop loving them.
I just don’t understand why we take situations and experiences (hurtful as they may be) that make up life and living and then decide that all of (insert gender, family, work) is bad.
I really am puzzled.
I love my family, my sista girl friends, my men folk and realize that some in these categories are okay, many are good, but the ones who are worth it are wonderful.
and that’s…lovely.
Bella, I do believe in sisterhood.I also think that at time we are often to quick to call someone out friend and then when they hurt us we are surprised. But if we would have taken time to really get to know that individual the signs would have been there to show there true colors we were just so caught up not to notice it, or we just decidede to look the other way. I have been hurt in the past by so called girlfriends but in the end I realized they never had my best interst in hand. I can now say I have a wonderful circle of friends that I can truly call my sisters. No one is perfect in this world but there are people who try their best. Sometimes you just have to look at the bad and hurtful situations and learn and grow from them. All it can do and make you a better individual.
This post says it all for me..
http://afrobella.com/?p=90
Bella, I totally and 100% agree with what your Dad says!
Stay positive and you’ll be just fine, me dear, just fine!
Peace & Love
Anita
Amen Sista! I am wit’cha on that. Sisterhood is a beautiful thing and I believe in it. I have been blessed with many sisters in my life although I do not have any naturally in my family. Every time I make a friend I try to be the best friend I can be. Maybe because of the fact I did not have any sisters of my own, I lay hold to being a good friend. I must admit it has not always be easy in relationships or just interacting with others in public. I have had those who were close to me betray me. For example, once I tried to help another female who ask me to let her stay at my place because she had no where to go, come to find out she was bringing everything she owned including her kids to stay a looooong time. She was kicked out of the shelter for women because of drugs and stealing. She was going from house to house. I was next. Another situation where I tried to help another so called sis by letting her stay at my home, she eventually moved in with my best friend’s boyfriend, got pregnant then married him.(In the same apartment complex). He kicked out my best friend.
My best friend was outraged and thought I was in on it. I was cursed out. I have nothing against the homeless but I have been burned by those sistas who had no where else to go. I can’t stand drama like that. But you know,the best thing I could do was forgive, forgive, forgive. When I forgave them all the negativity I felt about the situations left and I begun to have peaceable life again. So Afrobella continue to sow good seeds, care for them, nuture them, like this blog and they will flourish.
@ Emily. Do you want to wear your hair in its natural state or do you want to straighten it? And what exactly about your hair makes it unmanagable? Is it too dry? Full of knots? If its is too dry you need a moisturising conditioner. Nexxus Humectress worked for me. If it is full of knots, Giovanni leave in conditioner worked well for me too. It’s availible @ whole foods and they even have little travel size ones for about a dollor that you can try. Also suave makes a knock off version of the humectress that you can try. Also castor oil is a great emollient. Makes the hair feel great. I hope that this has helped you, but finding the right products takes a little trail and error. Everything does not work for everyone, no matter how great the product is.
Peace and good luck Mama!
I love this site, and I’m all about Sisterhood! I grew up with a grandmother, & mother who had strong relationships with their femail friends! I too carried on this tradition. I have had my longest friends since kindergarten I’m 29 so that is a long time.
All relationships take work including friendships.
I have way too much light and love to shine to get stuck on people who have hurt me. We must learn to forgive and move on! It is healthy!
Don’t stop what you are doing.
I do believe in freedon of speech but no need to personally bash anyone.
I do think people should give their honest opinions of products because it helps me when im shopping.
Onesty doesnt have to be negative!
Blessings,
Sunshine!
No, I have not been burned by a woman I considered my friend. Not sure I beleive in sisterhood… never gave it much thought.
Now that I think of it, most of my friends are guys, precisely because having too many women in your life invokes too much drama. This has been my experience, and is my opinion. Please don’t get offended and bent out of shape…
Most women give me a headache. A similar thing happened to me recently, so I’m happy you talked about this. Treat women kindly with grace and respect, but don’t let them push their negative energy and complexes off on you. Keep you head you girl and keep on posting!
THANK YOU CANDY!!! I will take your advice on the conditioner. I have not permed my hair since summer 2006 and I am cutting the rest out when I take my braids out. My hair cannot handle a perm, nor my scalp. So I looking forward to growing my natural hair out (Shoulder length, which I have never been able to do) but I am speaking positive and praying over my hair to just heal and be! LOL Again, thank you candy for your response. Have a blessed day!
Hey Bella,
Coming in a little late, but I really wanted to comment.
About five years ago, I lost my best-friend of 10 years. She truly screwed me over and caused me to not only lose her as a friend, but others as well. Over time, I healed, but the memories remain. I do have girlfriends that I am close with, but I sometimes find myself pulling back out of fear.
At the current time,I don’t feel comfortable divulging my deepest darkest secrets to my girlfriends. I once had this with my former friend, and truly miss being able to have complete confidence in a person. It just takes time. I am hopeful, and I pray that others will be as well.
ty!
More@Emily…I don’t know if this is kosher to do here, but have you taken a look at the boards over at naturallycurly.com? They even have a forum focused on your type of hair. I learned alot from these ladies when I went entirely natural, and I mostly lurked. But I started with a really good haircut, intensive conditioning for awhile, and obsessively trying various products. The work is finding a routine and products that work for you, but luckily, it is fun work! Tell us how it goes for you!
Hi Bella,
This is my first post. I love, love your site. You should not give up. There is an old quote that says “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
I’m not saying the comments made were evil but just very passionate and in the end maybe came across as powerfully negative. Your positive nature and those of many of the other women (and men) on this site cancels out that negativity. But if you’re not here and all the other people who make this site hum with warm energy, then the negative folks win.
I think if you and all the other upbeat folks keep on putting out those good vibes, eventually they will become enveloped with the positive vibrations too (I know, it’s a little idealistic but I believe it anyway.
).
Thank you Cassandra M! I am on my way to that site now! Not this is the positive sister site I love! Thank you god for Bella and birthing in her the creative ideas to bring forward into the cyber world.
wow! what a response! i usually like to read the comments and feed off of those too, but there are too many this time, lol.
i’m glad you did this post. i truly believe in sisterhood too. probably because i have 3 sisters and we are all close. when i hear of siblings that aren’t, it baffles me. but then i have to settle with the fact that that is reality for some folk. this bond between my sisters and I give me a ground for extending the love to other ladies. i believe in lifting each other up out here. it’s hard at times being a young, black, female, educated, and optimistic (believe it or not) and not getting respect from a number of channels and to turn around and getting the same hate from someone who looks like you. sad! i’m a part of your sisterhood bella!
Emily, in the other thread I referred you to http://www.nappturality.com. With all due respect to NaturallyCurly, Nappturality is much more focused on type 4 hair (and, to some extent, type 3 hair) and ways to care for it without heat and chemicals. It’s also more focused on learning to APPRECIATE this hair type in its natural state, and this firm stance sometimes rubs people the wrong way.
But a lot of us 4′s are tired of being made to feel bad for wanting to wear our hair natural. Nappturality is full of nappy sisterhood.
To the subject: Bella, you don’t need another person telling you to keep the faith, but I will anyway.
I grew up in a house full of sisters and went to all-girl schools. I actually made it all the way to my 30s before I picked up on how SOME women tear each other down due to insecurity, etc.
I still believe in sisterhood. I would never write off all women completely because of a few b****es. Just keep on staying true to yourself and your mission. I’m a fan!
Continue to do your thing mama, don’t let the haters get in your way for every one person doing their thing, there is like 50 people tryin to tear them down, just do what you do and don’t pay them no mind!!much love
Thanks LBellatrix I found a natural hair salon in the ATL ….wish me luck!
Bella, I really see your sincerity in promoting something positive for readers to digest, and I appreciate your energy…so don’t let the negative rob you of an ounce of your gift! I agree with your Dad (and how kool is it that your Dad supports you and reads your site?!–that’s awesome), the negative will always be there and to focus on it would cause you to get “stuck” and like I already said, you’re much too gifted for that. What you bring to your readers is appreciated. Although I see your reasons for wanting to explore the breakdown of sisterhood, I truthfully feel this will only have people re-hashing dark roads that lead to no where in regards to understanding why people in general spread hatred. Truthfully the reasons and root of any type of hatred, even self-hatred, would require a history lesson that most people don’t even care to explore–so you can’t force feed it to them. But their negativity is no reflection on the classiness of this site and next time, you do what you have to, even if that means deleting some people’s comments. The good news is, whether we’ve been victimized by an act of hatred or been the perpetrator of one, the solution to ending it is simple, and requires nothing but a made up mind, and the more determined the mind is, the more it will search for understanding as to how to effectively love our fellow sister/brother and move past/forgive the incidents of betrayal and deciet.
Bella, Continue to do what you are doing because we love this site, as you can see. It’s sad that the few have to ruin it for the many of us who enjoy frequenting this site with rude and unecessary comments. Fortunately I haven’t seen any of them, and you have been doing an excellent job of keeping them out. I know that sometimes you get those occasional comments that slip through the cracks but remember, they are from people who do not want to move forward and prosper mentally, but rather bring you to their level. (but being educated you already know that Bella)
As far as having black female friends, they are very hard to come by or even keep. I work with 16 other guys and 1 other girl (Samoan) and we get along fine but we dont hang outside of work. It’s so hard to meet other black women especially in Germany because they are so bitter because many of the black men here are chasing the German women and any woman is seen as competition or threat. The black women here seem to have turned against one another purely out of hurt. It’s sad here in Germany Bella. Very sad.
Peace to all the Afrobellas. I just discovered this site. Better late than never. Love it!
I am a newly turned 30 year old honey hued Afrobella. I have been growing my locs since 94!!!!!!! I truuly believe in sisterhood. I love my sistas. They make me proud. I don’t have any biological sista’s but I feel a profound connection to womyn. I know negative things happen, especially in this era of competition and individualism. We are Queens, it is time for us to reclaim our rightful place. There is room for all of us to represent wherever we are. The universe is infinite. Let’s uplift each other.
“Have you ever been really screwed over or hurt by a woman you saw as your friend, or as someone who should be your friend?”
Yes. When it’s someone who you thought was a sista, it truly hurts worse. I’m sure a lot of sisters on the thread share experiences, so I will not elaborate today.
“Do you believe in sisterhood?”
Still and Yes. Despite the above.
This site, for example, is a good example of it. So thank you for being here for us, bella.
[...] on! After all the secret mistress slash baby momma accusations flared in the commentary, Afrobella questioned whether or not sisterhood is an antiquated phrase…is it every woman of color for [...]
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