Got a frantic Ask Afrobella question to answer, and time is of the essence!

Dear Afrobella,
I love your blog! It’s so refreshing compared to other blogs that just write about products! I never know what to expect when I visit your site but I know it’s gonna be good! I’m a teenage transitioning bella with prom coming around the corner. I usually wear my hair in a wash n go style and I want to do something special for prom! My mom recommended a press n curl =(
But I want to keep my natural texture! Any advice on natural hairstyles for the biggest night of a teenager’s life???
Yours Truly
Michelle-a-bella

OMG, Michelle-a-bella! You took me back to the days when there were important! Events! I! Had! To! Look! Special! At!

Haven’t been to one of those since my wedding. LOL – no, I kid, I kid. I get dolled up for the office Christmas parties, and to go out to dinner. But yes, I remember all too well the pressure of high school graduation festivities, I can empathize with the burning need to look promtastic.

The ideal prom look is timeless. Beautiful, alluring, grown-up and modern — so I implore you to steer clear of going over the top with your look. Many prom trends can date your photos in an instant. Do you want to look back on these photos and be proud that your look could work ten, fifteen, twenty years from now, or do you want to immediately notice hmmm, that must have been the season where everyone wore asymmetrical one-shoulder cavewoman dresses with ruching on the side and big poufy Bumpits-assisted hairstyles? The choice is yours. I hope you make a wise one.

This is my advice to you, one bella to another. Figure out your look from head to toe well before prom. Try it out, figure out your makeup situation, know how you want to look. Is your dress going to be the star of the show? Great, then maybe go a little restrained with the makeup and hair. If you’re rocking a simple, chic frock, then amp up your look with accessories and makeup to die for. Often we think we need to go overboard when attending a special event. The truth is, your natural beauty is going to shine through anyway, so don’t worry about going super crazy fancy trying to learn a new hairstyle. Unless you really, really want to.

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I recently got an Ask Afrobella question that’s gone ghost in my inbox, so excuse me if I paraphrase. And apologies to you, if you wrote me the e mail and I didn’t respond personally. I am a total mess w.r.t e mail, to be completely honest. It’s not you, it’s me. I lost your e mail and I think I might have deleted it or something. Either way, it’s gone and I apologize.

Anyways, the question was basically from a young journalism student who was approaching graduation. She was asking me what to expect from a career in the field. The question lingered with me because I honestly didn’t know how to answer it. It’s scary out there right now. I can’t even lie.

I am lucky enough to have a day job in an industry that’s running out of day jobs. Gaze into the dark pool of information that is Romensko and you’ll see, it’s dire out there.
Tribune Co. just filed for bankruptcy. My hometown daily, the Miami Herald is up for sale by McClatchy.

Even if you didn’t want to work for a daily paper, other forms of media are being affected as well. Check out the layoffs tab at Gawker. Viacom and NBC and NPR, oh my.

That last one particularly hurt and hit close to home. Today, NPR canceled News and Notes. Heartbreaking news.

I was very, very proud to have been a eight time contributor to NPR’s News and Notes bloggers roundtable, alongside the creators of such prominent black blogs as Jack and Jill Politics, Jasmyne Cannick, and Aunt Jemima’s Revenge. Farai Chideya and the staff at the show really made an effort to learn about and understand new media, and I think it’s a huge loss to NPR and an enormous step backward to cut back on African American targeted journalism at such a moment, at the onset of a such a historic presidency and time in our country.

In other news that hit close to home, Jossip blogs Stereohyped and Mollygood just closed their doors. Like I said, it’s dire out there. It’s enough to make a person feel like a statistic — 533,000 jobs lost last month. 1.9 million for the year thus far. It’s a scary time to be in the work force. And it’s a scary time to be a student about to enter the work force. But if you’re an aspiring journalist, I do have 5 bits of advice for you.

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So far I’ve written two Island Remède posts, the first on aloe, the second on coconut oil. And the last time I wrote one, my brother Dominic contacted me to say um, you spelled “remedy” wrong. So I’d like to take this opportunity to explain that no, it was intentionally spelled like that, as it was said by old time Trinidadians who spoke French creole. My grandmother did, and my mother still says little phrases too, like “remède.” And if you don’t know, now ya know!

In the Caribbean, the hottest new beauty products often don’t arrive on shelves until months and sometimes years after they’ve made the rounds of North America and Europe. So you’ll find that women there tend to take a creative approach to beautifying treatments. The raw pith of the aloe plant does wonders for the skin and hair, as does coconut oil. And you can add good old fashioned brown sugar to the list of ingredients every bella should have in stock. Brown sugar is the bomb for so many reasons.

One of the most popular beauty dilemmas I get Ask Afrobella questions about, is dry scalp. An itchy, flaking scalp can be attributed to several things — climate change, inadequate hair products, or just plain ol’ dandruff (which is caused by an overgrowth of a common fungus, and can be attributed to increased oil production, stress, or hormonal changes). It took me quite a bit of trial and error to diagnose my scalp issues, and to find a solution that finally worked. And I gotta admit, all the Selsun Blue, Head and Shoulders, and Neutrogena T-Gel didn’t help me half as much as good ol’ brown sugar did. I gotta thank Lorraine Massey for this bit of advice, it’s been a life changer!

In case you don’t already own a copy of Lorraine Massey’s Curly Girl, you should definitely check it out. I paid less than $10 for my copy, and it’s chock full of great advice for a variety of curl textures. The blogger of Toddled Dredge explains the Massey method here, and I’ve adapted her brown sugar scalp scrub to suit my own purposes.

Once a week, I do a scalp scrub with conditioner and coarse brown sugar (I hear turbinado sugar, also known as demarara, or Sugar in the Raw, works well too).

Here’s how I do it.

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Planning a wedding can be super stressful, and pulling off the wedding of your dreams can be insanely expensive. From the catering to the flowers to the dress to the invitations, thank you cards, and favors — there are so many little details to remember, and so many bills to pay. Especially with the economy the way it’s been, every penny counts. I could more than identify with this e mail from a bella on a budget.

Let me start by sayin “I TRULY ENJOY THIS WEBSITE” it’s been a blessing…I am not sure if my question will get a response; but I’m going to put it out there regardless. I’m a DARK SKINNED SISTA; planning a wedding on a budget. I would really love to get my makeup done by a professional, but can’t afford it at this time… so I’m going to do it myself. Can anyone direct me in the right direction and provide me the name of the best makeup line for my complexion. I went to Sephora inside JC Penney and was so embarrassed after being told that they did carry colors for my complexion.. it discouraged me from going into another store. Please help !!!

New Beginnings

Hey New Beginnings, let me just start out by saying CONGRATULATIONS!!! Weddings are so wonderful, and I know exactly how excited and nervous you are — that was me six years ago. I needed a wedding on the affordable tip, and in a city like Miami, it ain’t easy. Because I had to do it all myself (ten days after we graduated from college, no less!), I picked up a LOT of tips for planning an affordable wedding.

Here’s a tip for ya — a brunch wedding is cheaper than a dinner wedding, and just as beautiful. Also, that way your ceremony’s over by like 4:30 in the afternoon and you have allll night to enjoy your honeymoon suite!

Let’s talk makeup and I’m gonna be frank — I think the Sephoras inside JC Penney suck. The selection is teeny, and the last time I went there (because the Sephora at Dadeland Mall was closed for construction), they told me they don’t even sell Sephora gift cards. They can only sell JC Penney gift cards. In fact, I’ve left the Sephora at JC Penney disappointed myself, more than once. So while I find it shocking that you went to a cosmetics store that informed you that they don’t carry colors for your complexion (in 2008?? Really??), the fact that it was one of those lame mini-Sephoras makes sense.

New Beginnings, you need to go to a better department store (or a REAL Sephora) for your bridal makeup experience. Normally I am all about drugstore makeup shopping, but for a wedding, I’d advise you invest in a few makeup staples (namely a great concealer, a powder, and perhaps a bronzer or blush), that will last you long after the wedding bells have rung. Don’t worry — you can still hit the drugstore for special-day items like eyeliner and mascara, to save money. Budget is the watchword, but you want to look your best on your special day.

For advice, I turned to my friend and coworker Raina McLeod. Say hello to Raina!

Together, we’re the calendar editors of the Miami New Times. Also, we’ve got our own blogs. You already know about my Pretty in the City — well, Raina writes the sassy sex advice column Magic City Kitty. Check her out for frank answers to your freakiest questions. Meow!

As a glowing, beautiful dark skinned sista herself, I knew Raina would have some really helpful advice for New Beginnings. I didn’t expect that she’d hit so close to a recent product review I did!

“I actually don’t use concealer at all, but when I’m feeling like smoothing it out a lil extra, I use Bobbi Brown’s tinted moisturizer. It’s nice n’ light, but gives plenty of coverage and moisture without leaving my skin oily. Then I like Bobbi’s bronzer and blush to finish it off.

I guess I’m a Bobbi girl and didn’t really know it! But I like her stuff, because it enhances my skin tone’s natural glow and NEVER leaves me lookin ashy like MAC and Cover Girl have in the past. I haven’t experimented with a ton of brands, but I would definitely recommend Bobbi Brown to the DARK SKINNED SISTA.”

Co-sign with Raina 110%. I was just raving over Bobbi Brown’s bronze shimmer brick, and seriously, I don’t regret dropping that $40 at all. This bronzer will take you from wedding day fab to everyday office chic to beach goddess gorgeous with minimal effort.

In terms of finding your shade, the moisturizing cream compact foundation comes in shades from alabaster to espresso, and the creamy concealer kit is a smart buy for a bella on a budget — $32 gets you the concealer and an attached sheer finish loose powder to set the concealer. Make a trip to your local Saks or Bloomies or high end department store of choice (ie: not Penney’s) and befriend the makeup artist at Bobbi Brown. They will be more than happy to help you and offer you makeup tips, and — if you wind up wanting to go with a professional perchance, you might even be able to make an appointment for a makeover the morning of your wedding. I always score business cards from makeup artists at department store counters. Many of them would be more than happy for a little portfolio-building side work, I imagine.

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From painful experience, I’ve learned to avoid giving advice on matters of the heart. I’ve lost more than one girlfriend by opening my big mouth and telling her what I really thought about her man. Through those experiences I’ve learned, sometimes people might say that they want you to be honest with them, but it can be a mistake to be TOO honest. Being too honest can rip the scab off a wound that goes deeper than you realized.

Before you know it, poof, there goes your ya ya sisterhood, and the dude in question always manages to stay in the picture.

I’ve definitely experienced this enough to have learned my lesson. But here I go again. This Ask Afrobella is about matters of the hair and heart. Read on.

Dear Bella:

Shay in Atlanta.

Hey Shay, mmm mmm mmmmm. This is a tough one.

First of all, let me just say congratulations on your new addition to the family! This should be a beautiful time in your life, so I hate to hear that you’ve got any kind of stress. A new, beautiful baby is growing inside you, and you’re poised and ready to make the ultimate commitment to your fiance. But I wouldn’t be Afrobella if I didn’t voice some concerns about your husband to be, his mama, and their feelings about natural hair.

And seeing as you’re writing to me as opposed to, I dunno, straight-bella, perma-bella, or relax-a-bella, or some other blog where chemically changing the texture of your natural crown is encouraged, you already know my thoughts. I think your hair is your hair, you should be able to wear and style it however you want to. Especially now that your body is changing, your hormones are hopping, and you’re trying to take the best care of you and the life inside you.

Just so you’re completely informed, although many bellas avoid dye and relaxer during pregnancy, according to Ask A Doctor, “there is no evidence that I am aware of to suggest that dyes, straighteners or other treatments are dangerous when used in early pregnancy. Nor is there any good evidence that use of such treatments affects becoming pregnant. Little if any of these chemicals are absorbed into the mother’s circulation, and so the pregnancy should not receive a significant exposure.”

But this is only according to an online doctor. You should ask your real doctor what they think.

Enough about the physical effects of relaxer. Let’s talk about the mental.

Of course, not everyone feels as passionately as I do about embracing your hair’s natural texture, but in this case… I hate to say it, but — to paraphrase Bob Marley — your husband-to-be and mother-in-law-to-be sound like victims of mental slavery. None but themselves can free their minds. I see naturally kinky and curly hair as beautiful and so do you, but some people are just really closed-minded and conditioned to only see straight hair as beautiful. It makes me sad, especially for people who are not born with that texture, who will therefore spend their entire lives battling what their hair naturally wants to be.

It’s your husband’s right to style his hair as he sees fit. He can go ahead and get his Terence Howard on (if you don’t know, now you know), or rock a nouveau Soul Glo like Jennifer Hudson’s new fiance… my problem is not with his own styling choices. My problem is that he’s trying to impose his own ideas of beauty on you and devaluing your self-esteem in the process.

Does he love you as a person inside and out, or is he more concerned about your physical appearance? And if you guys aren’t even married yet and already he’s tripping about how you want to style your hair, how’s he going to act when you’ve got bigger concerns to worry about? Like, um, kids? If you have a girl, will he want to relax their hair at an unreasonably early age? So many questions.

This Ask Afrobella troubled me so much, I had to call my parents. They’ve been married for a lifetime, so I knew they’d have some light to shed.

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After tackling an Ask Afrobella, it’s always great to catch up with the person who wrote to me with a question. The questioning bella formerly known as “C” replied to the encouraging comments all of you left on the A Most Unique Ask Afrobella post. Here’s that comment in its entirety, in case you missed it:

“Wow. There’s so much here to respond to.
First of all, thank you, Afrobella, for being so wonderful in your response, and dedicating the time to doing this.

Again, thanks, to everyone, for your support and advice.
Chia (C)”

I was super happy to hear that “C,” now Chia, was ready and resolute for whatever lay ahead.

I was even happier to hear from Chia again this weekend, this time with a new photo, a new hairstyle, and new experiences. The photo on the left is the first one Chia sent me, when she was understandably shy about posting photos on the internet. Now, check out Chia with her fly twists — this is a recent passport photo, so that explains the expression, or lack thereof. And she shared a sweet story about going back to school.

“There have been a couple of comments, but only from the younger years, and nothing openly hostile. I’m definitely feeling much happier, and people have been generally accepting and wonderful. A genuinely heartwarming example of this is as follows:
A small child – year 7/8 (that’s about 11 years old) – came up to me after school the other day and asked “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but is it true that you had a sex change?”. So, I explained about my situation, and when I had finished, he replied “Is that all? Why is everyone making such a fuss then?” I found that lovely.”

I do too, Chia. And I hope that’s the norm rather than the exception. Hearing that story lifted my spirits, and gave me a little more hope for a more tolerant future — life is too short and too beautiful for hatred, judgment, and phobias against people in general, I say. Thank you so much for approaching me with your question, and I sincerely hope by you being so open and allowing me to share photos of you with other bellas and fellas out there, others can learn from you.

I wish you the best of luck, and I know the rest of the Afrobella family does as well!